Meeting Myself On the Way Back

Friday 9th November 2012

Had a great day working on my chapbook. Mocked up some pages on the good paper. Jenni thinks it’s a good idea and is looking forward to seeing the finished item. It’s going to take a lot longer than I thought, being really careful about the selection and sequencing. Haven’t decided if I’m doing it 100% myself or getting a printshop involved. This evening I’ve been listening to The Mission, Adele, Hanoi Rocks and Swans. I made a compilation album of my favourite Swans tracks a while ago for Alex at Waddy and burned a copy for myself. As I said a couple of nights ago, it would be great to see Gira and co next week but I can’t afford the time or the cost. Wish they’d play Newcastle. Maybe next year. The compilation I made has the following tracklisting: 1. Miracle of Love 2. In My Garden 3. Fool 4. Still A Child 5. I Want To Be Your Dog 6. I Remember Who You Are 7. Beautiful Child 8. Love Will Save You 9. Can’t Find My Way Home 10. New Mind 11. Blood On Your Hands 12. Jane Mary, Cry One Tear 13. Love Will Tear Us Apart 14. Money Is Flesh 15. Eden Prison 16. Out. Some tracks are actually from Skin albums but have been played at Swans shows.

I haven’t shaved since Monday. I doubt the cheap blades will be much good in the morning. Feeling really tired now. Think I’ve focused on the book project long enough for one day. I started at three this afternoon and it’s nearly eleven now. Although to be fair I spent an hour scanning pages and writing email notes of my intentions for the project.

Jenni phoned around ten o’clock this evening. I told her about cowboy hash and how nice it tastes. Now she wants to try it so we’ll make it on Sunday. I am a bit behind on typesetting. Really wish I could just have a week straight to do my book. I’m out tomorrow evening and then busy next week: three workshops, Sheila Wakefield’s book launch, double-header gig with Jenni at Southpaw then it’ll be the weekend again and JibbaJabba and the Scratch rehearsal day with Dominic Berry and a performance evening. Busy, busy, busy, 11.00pm.

Saturday 10th November 2012

Six and a half hours sleep isn’t enough. But it’s mid morning and I’ve a lot to do. Must wash up, get a shave before anything creative. Stayed up till half two editing pieces for my chapbook. Pulled another eleven pieces off the journal file, definitely got enough stuff now. I showed a double spread on parchment to Jenni via j-peg last night. She likes it, says I should make three copies that are completely hand produced. No reprographics at all. Just pure handmade art. And sell them as limited editions. When I asked her to suggest a price she said a hundred pounds each. Which made me laugh. I’m reluctant to charge a fiver for a printed copy. But I do love making books. It’s a bit of a jigsaw at present. A composition by numbers in that I use chronological journal extracts to give me the first draft. Then rewrite and be mindful of any connections between pieces and re-sequence accordingly to create maximum impact. I really liked the idea of calling it Savage Amusement but there’s already an album of the same name by German rock group The Scorpions. Never mind, something will come along soon. I took photographs of the loose pages last night. Going to put a little mini album of production photographs on facebook when the book is ready. Wasn’t going to make a big thing of it but now I’m tempted to do a proper launch for it. Maybe if it doesn’t come out in 2012 I’ll book a venue for next January. I reckon two 52-page chapbooks a year would be great. Feels like the old days of “Unblind Eye” and “…Easier Ways…”. Actually, the new volume will be the first collection of original Urwin material that I’ve edited into a sequence for publication since Hypomaniac in 2005. That’s way too long a gap.

Anyway, I haven’t heard the postman yet. I have a few more books to buy before the big abstinence of 2013. Will have to start getting Xmas presents soon as well. Much of what is required can be purchased online.

Today I’m going to Jenni’s place. But it won’t be until later on. Probably a good idea to get the books over to Tyneside in advance of Sheila’s launch next week. Ok. 10.17am.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed the back bedroom light being a bit dodgy. Not going on when it should. And now the landing switch is buzzing occasionally and the light flickers, This sent me to the internet in search of answers. The idea of having the entire house rewired is a bit of a nightmare. Of course how do you know the extent of the damage? You need a reputable electrician who won’t pull your house to bits just to get a fee out of you.

Me and Jenni were meant to be going out this evening but it’s been cancelled. Having stayed up until 3.20am I’m not really in the mood for much tonight. A wave of fatigue has just kicked in. Done no work on the book today besides wrack my brains trying to come up with a title and cover. Won’t know what works until I get the contents sorted. Feeling rather inarticulate this evening. Just fatigue I reckon. Overdid it a bit yesterday. Wish I could get about a month to myself with no interruptions. Just want to get a project competed. Need a new body of work out there. Don’t really feel like going out tonight. I’ve taken my watch off and don’t know what time it is. The gold clock in the living room has never worked for over a decade. Only needs a new battery. The clock in the kitchen the same.

Think I’ll take All Shook Up by Adrian  Mitchell to read on the bus. Could do with a sleep though. I’ve noticed myself becoming rather irritable in recent weeks. Maybe I should go back on medication. Maybe I’m just pissed off with the lack of progression in my published output. Can’t really complain about onstage exposure though. Another gig in a week’s time. And hosting Sheila’s launch on Wednesday.

Anyway, I’m hanging on in here. Might have a little sit on the couch, give myself a breather. 5.41pm.

Sunday 11th November 2012

Didn’t go to sleep till about half one this morning. Me and Jenni watched a WW1 documentary about the Battle of the Somme. We all know war is futile. And two hours of bombs and bullets for some political reason or other instigated by men who will never have to fire a gun or bayonet someone is rather aggravating to watch. You can’t really capture the true horror of seeing someone blown to bits just by presenting a dramatisation of it. You’d have to experience it for real. And who the hell wants to do that? So what you get is military strategy, explosions, mud and senseless boredom. Excruciating to watch and the more you watch the more incensed you get that people actually signed up for this. Big men with big sticks bossing little people about frightening them with propaganda in order to get them to do their bidding. All these so-called intelligent minds coming together for the purpose of mass destruction only to have to rebuild the world anew afterwards. The closer you look at war the closer you realise how pathetic humans can really be. How hopeless they are at sustaining life without oppressing others. Survival of the fittest? Or the most brutal. Total bullshit. 10.28am.

Still at Jenni’s at quarter to eleven at night. Stayed back to watch some war dramas. Sundays I’m usually home by 9.30pm. and catching up on emails. Will go tomorrow morning. Have to get some advice on the electric upstairs. Hope it doesn’t need rewiring coz I can’t afford it or put up with the fucking upheaval. Me and Jenni had cowboy hash this afternoon. Don’t have much to say. I had my big war rants last night and this morning.

Books I’d like to read next: Walking Home by Simon Armitage, Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx, The Boy Who Could See Demons by Carolyn Jess Cooke and “I Ain’t got Time to Bleed” by Jesse Ventura.

Not much on the net for me today. I’m trying to cut down on my usage. 10.55pm.

Monday 12th November 2012

Don’t know if it’s just the weather, but I feel really aggravated today. Been home from Jen’s for nearly three hours and still haven’t put a dent in the college paperwork. I fucking hate the mountain of unfit-for-purpose admin. Computer went on the blink at lunchtime. Well, the internet. Suddenly felt a panic coming on, an irrational fear that if I can’t access info then I can’t keep in touch with work associates or promote events. Add the inconvenience of having to get an electrician in to look at dodgy light switches and wasting nearly half an hour looking for a repeat lesson plan to copy from and I’m about ready to throw the whole fucking thing to the wall. I hate Mondays. I try to keep on top of the course admin but after a session the last thing I want to do is look at ticky-box wank paperwork. Some people just love it. I fucking hate bureaucracy. Switched off the computer, switched it back on and it’s working now. A mild relief. I’ve almost got the house warmed to a workable temperature. Going to get another drink and slowly work my way through the bullshit. Feel pretty hammered. Tired of being tired. Never mind, if I chip away for a few hours I might get somewhere. 1.11pm.

Tuesday 13th November 2012

Quarter past five in the morning. Awake about fifteen minutes. Things on my mind. Southpaw set with Jenni on Friday. Rehearse even though I’ve done the poems a million times. When you get complacent you make mistakes. Need some pieces for JibbaJabba.

I have two workshops today. And like every week, I come to the morning of a session and can’t remember what I planned the day before. Yesterday was a poor day. I was a bit distracted by the thought of a hefty electrical repair bill. A rewire job maybe - turns out all that was needed was two new light switches.

Watched a BBC documentary on the ‘dark charisma’ of Adolf Hitler last night. He didn’t come across as charismatic to me. A big chip on a shitty little shoulder. I wonder how powerful he’d be without his henchmen. Wasn’t so fucking charismatic in a bunker in Berlin, was he? So fucking self-assured, so strong, so righteous. So fucking pathetic. Piece of shit. All that talk of the need for expansion, the bloodlust of the eternal struggle – someone should have just medicated the fucker up to the hilt till he didn’t think about leaving his bed, never mind taking to a stage and spouting racist bullshit. I wish he’d been brought to trial, the fucking coward.

Anyway, must remember to write back to Cramlington Writers. They want me to do a workshop next summer. I reckon I’ll make it July, after the third term at Waddy. Hope today goes okay. Only one video clip at Mind this afternoon: The Return. Okay, done here. Sleep again. 5.35am.

Writing sessions went really well today. Good he/she collaborative piece at Waddy and some Cinquains, then at Mind we did Cinquains and a great character sketch exercise. Bus back to Consett straight after the session. Sheila rang tonight, asking about the plan for tomorrow. She is picking us up at Jen’s place at seven so we can get set up for eight.

I am way behind tonight. Don’t like doing too many sessions back to back. An evening one followed by one the next morning is a bit much really. It’s only Tuesday and the week is already mapped out. Looking forward to more time home alone when I’m not zapped. Don’t know if I’ll be able to read anything in bed tonight. Just want to sleep. A good day, but knackering. 10.27pm.

Wednesday 14th November 2012

Woke at two this morning with a splitting headache so I went down to the kitchen, grabbed a banana and a couple of ibuprofen, came back upstairs and drank the Ribena left last night. Felt a lot better when I woke a couple of hours later. Dreams included a seaside holiday, riding my trials bike in an alley then out on country lanes by a golf course, then I’m on a bus going through the holiday resort, exchanging pleasantries with passengers. Wish I could still ride the trials bike.

Today I have a morning session at Waddy, a few hours off this afternoon to catch up with typesetting then it’s out to the Bridge for the launch of Sheila Wakefield’s Limerance.

Time to get up. 7.18am.

Lesson plans, mail lite bag, list of potential book titles, spent biros, black scissors, a photocopied blank diary page for 28th February 2013. Yes, thirteen. An apple tango bottle filled with water and the last corner of strawberry and vanilla ice cream in a plastic container. Each piece brings an arctic moment to the centre of a volcano. I have just demolished a big plate of chilli and rice. Been home for about two and a half hours. My head is shaved, my stage notes composed. In thirty five minutes I will be good to go. We intend to be at The Bridge around seven o’clock to set up for Sheila’s launch. I should be really nervous about this event but I’m not feeling too bad. So long as people turn up and the book goes down well, things will be grand.

Had a canny day despite the bus being late this morning and having to switch to a different room for the workshop and a few disruptions during exercises, some challenging moments with students finding it tough going, but basically a good morning. I got very little work done at home this afternoon. Time to make a move. 4.45pm.

Thursday 15th August 2012

Launch went well. Huge thanks to everyone who came and made it a special night. Lots of people commenting on the pamphlet's woodcuts. Sheila was brilliant. A well sequenced set with great intros. I’m a bit scatty in the head this morning. Jenni is asleep beside me. She read really well last night. We lay awake talking till about two this morning. She would like her debut chapbook published by Talking Pen. I think that’s a good idea. Today I’ll upload pix from last night. Jenni is snoring in her tiger suit. This weekend will be busy for us. Two events on Friday night – Split Screen at Gallery North and then a double-header set at Southpaw later in the evening, Then on Saturday it’s JibbaJabba with Sheila again, Dominic Berry and numerous others. Then memorization techniques at Scratch Tyne rehearsal club on Sunday followed by an evening performance.  The chances of me being able to memorize something new on Sunday are very slim indeed. Weeks seem to be flying by. Very little time to do anything for myself. Hopefully I’ll get some work done. 8.30 am.

Had a good day. Was meant to be coming home straight from Jen’s this morning but decided to go into Newcastle. Needed a day away from the desk. Bought some stationary supplies in Details: two Jetstream black roller pens, burgundy card, chocolate brown ribbed endpaper and two 140gsm landscape A4 blank pads. Then I went to Paperchase to check out notebook designs. Still no journals that I really like. Reckon I’ll end up making my own. Moved on to Rymans. They had some great Silvine A4 plain softbacks which would be great for morning pages if they had ten more pages. How anal am I?

Checked out music magazines in WHSmiths and read a chapter on caffeine from Caitlan Moran’s new book Moranthology. Very funny. All the classic hallmarks of caffeine addiction, palpitations, panic attacks, killer headaches, blurred vision, migraine. Makes me glad I gave up. I’d love to read the whole book but will only do so if the library have a copy.

45 bus at Metro Centre now. Lots of people getting on. Xmas shopping in full swing already? I feel pretty hammered. As I write this I sigh thinking how much work I create for myself. Sleepy now 3.23pm.

Uploaded pix from last night. They aren’t great but at least we documented the event. It was good to see people enjoying Sheila’s pamphlet. Pleased we went for cream pages and got the woodcuts in. It’s really distinctive. Sheila is amazed that I bought a diary for next year instead of making one. Might make a 200 page fold and stitch parchment journal and see how that comes out. I am happy to be home now. Where has today gone? 10.42pm.

Friday 16th November 2012

Bumpiest seat on the 45 to Newcastle, right over the wheel arch. Running fifteen minutes late. Anyway it’s been a pretty good day. Up at half seven to do morning pages, out to Consett at quarter to nine for bank transactions, home and typing by quarter to ten. Two Jesse Ventura books arrived today: “63 Documents the Governments Doesn’t Want You to See” and “American Conspiracies”. Won’t get round to these till 2013.

On the low road near Winlaton on my way to Jen’s place. Drop off food then out to Gallery North in Newcastle for Red Squirrel Press SPLIT SCREEN book event. When that finishes at half seven we race over to the Chillingham on Heaton High Street for the revamped Southpaw. Yvonne Young, Aidan Clarke, Annie Moir, me and Jenni plus open mic. Did a run through of my double header set material. Feeling confident.

The bus has been pretty full and I’ve got one of the tightest seats on the vehicle. Wish they’d make them all with leg room for people taller than five foot ten. I am aiming to get the last bus home at twenty past eleven after the gigs tonight.

Metro paper reporting on Israel. We want your land, your homes, now fuck-off. What do you expect but conflict? What the fuck is wrong with people?

I am aiming for a less hectic schedule next year. Want to read more books and keep off the internet. Might start cycling again. I want to memorise all the pieces in my forthcoming chapbook. I want to get a journal book in standard paperback by 2014. I’ll be editing my next proper collection of poems for 2015, and I want to put out Confessions of an Isolationist in 2017. As well as a 2- to 3-year selected journal entries book.

A near collision on the way into the Metro Centre. In about ten minutes I’ll be walking to Jen’s from the Redheugh garage. Ok, teatime. 4.02pm.

Saturday 17th November 2012

Great ‘Split Screen’ Anthology event at Northumbria Uni last night. Andy Jackson put together a great bill of readers with a slide show of images from film and tv to compliment the poems. Nice to see poets doing character voices, Ira Lightman dressing the part as well. Very kind of Sheila to give me and Jenni a copy of the anthology and taxi us over to Heaton for our next gig. Southpaw re-launch brilliantly hosted by Aidan and Annie; a fast paced open mic and guest slot from Yvonne Young. It was a privilege to headline. Accidentally hit an audience member with my book when I flung it before Hypomaniac but otherwise things went according to plan.

My friend Stephen Clark was in the bar downstairs. He didn’t go to see Swans this week. Jenni stayed back to chat with friends but I needed to get back. Thanks to Kirstin Parkinson for metro coins. I had no change for ticket machine. Got back into town okay with time to spare for two slices of pizza from Clayton Street Chippy. Last bus was packed. Home by twenty to one. Fell asleep on the couch.

It’s now mid afternoon and very soon I’ll be getting ready to go back to Newcastle for JibbaJabba at the Trent House. Keep it going. 2.30pm.