Cooked Sloppy

Saturday 15th December 2012

Won’t play your game...



Available only in the collection "So Much for the Sunshine" published by Talking Pen 2013
 

I have a simple life. Even if I have to earn some extra cash to finance a few projects hopefully I won't have to return to conventional employment to do it. Somehow things have a way of working out. Food, fuel, internet, printing, travel allowance. That’s my expenditure in 2013. Be great if I could do more biking. I still have lots of paperwork to do but basically, next year is research and revise. Go out and find some workshops. Send some publicity, offer a reasonable rate. I get paid to facilitate to less than ten people per session for months at a time. How long would it take to work through the whole of County Durham using the same tried and tested template. Answer: forever. I should never struggle to get money. One hundred and twenty quid a week is enough for me. Keep the overheads low. Engage in absorbing social activity, travel by bike and on foot. Yes, I think it might be a good one, 2013. Ok. 8.08 a.m.

Well, getting out of the house was another fucking ordeal. Soon as you switch on the computer you’re destined to be distracted – emails, facebook, web searches, videos – must see this. Please respond asap to this. One thing triggers another and before you know it an hour has gone by.

The bus to Newcastle is surprisingly half-empty. I’m a bit harassed. I haven’t had a full day at home since Monday and I still have a shitload of work to complete before the weekend. But today is Scratch Tyne end of term performance so I want to be there coz Apples and Snakes have been really good to me and Jenni this year. I’m hoping to perform two poems this evening – Happiest Daze and Snow.

Been a bit stressed but am now starting to unwind. Two teenagers behind me are talking about their designer labels, ninety quid trainers and what they wouldn’t be seen dead wearing. My only real extravagance is goth boots and Doc Marten shoes. Everything else is rock bottom prices. Pretty much anything so long as it’s black. Tee shirts: Two quid. Joggers: six quid. Cargo pants: ten quid.

It’s a damp day but there’s some blue sky and sun poking through. As we hit East Law, though, the horizon is black. Heavy rain seems like a promise. I kind of wish I’d been able to stay at home today. I have one workshop next week and one more spoken word event and that’s me done. Still have some paperwork to do but until I get a full day on Monday I’m not going to get that done.

Air conditioning switched to freezing. Fucking typical. I forgot my Boiling Kettle text. Was hoping to memorize some of that on the bus but didn’t have the time to reboot the computer. No use using the book version as I’ve changed quite a bit of it. Oh well, gonna stop for a while. Hamsterley Mill. 2.00pm.

Later: Good night at Scratch. Scruffweed were playing and the poets were jamming. We had some great performances from AJ, Claire, Jenni, Jeff, Kirsten, Flick and others. I did Happiest Daze with the band. Saw some good theatre as well. Didn’t see much of Jenni as she preferred to mingle and chat rather than watch the plays. I hung around until eleven then went for pizza and chips. Streets filled with revellers. Saw people lost, people unable to get taxis, two guys with a blow-up doll at Central Station.. People dressed in clothes more in keeping with a summer evening. I got the 44 bus over the Redheugh, food sitting heavy on my belly. Walking past the Sound Room recording studio just down the hill from Jenni’s place. She will be out until the small hours. I’m too old for that malarkey. I just want to get back and all wrapped up for bed. It’s a mild night for December but the pavements are beginning to sparkle. Pleased I didn’t wear my goth shoes, they are lethal on ice. It’s good that Jenni gives me the key and lets me go back to hers unaccompanied. I hate late parties. It’s good that we can do our own thing and then meet up for quality time. 11.49 pm.

Sunday 16th December 2012

It was good to have a wander through the city centre last night. I like getting pizza and chips at Clayton Street then hanging around the central Station watching the people go by as I stuff my face before hopping on the last bus over the Redheugh bridge.

I haven’t written any poetry for a long time. Not proper poetry. Last night I videoed a poem by Kirsten Luckins. It was the one that she did in the Lit and Phil a few weeks ago and it was brilliant. Her hubby Matt was also filming so a better quality recording will probably be online before new year.

LATER: Good afternoon in Newcastle with Jenni browsing for potential Xmas presents for my relatives. We stuck to department stores mainly – Fenwick’s Marks and Spencer, BHS. Also went to Primark and bought some tee shirts. I got a great Stewie from Family Guy for Jenni and an I LOVE XMAS for my final poetry gig of 2012.

I will be reading Boiling Kettle at JibbaJabba on Wednesday night. I’ll wear the shirt and have the poem pasted onto a sheet of black card with red tinsel round the edge. Boiling Kettle is a cynical anti-Xmas rant that I did at Pink Lane last year. It’ll be fun to do it again. I also want to perform Snow and Happiest Daze.

Saw a few things in town that I might get for Mam and Ernie. Gift sets really. Gonna get them a pair of theatre tickets as well. As yet I don’t have a single item for them. I saw some books that Jenni might like. Loads of great clothes and some mint feet warmers. We had festive bakes from Greggs and got the 54 bus back to Bensham around five o’clock.

Not much thought into creativity today. I’m ready to wind it down for the year. Really pleased that I have absolutely tonnes of material – over a decade’s worth – to sift through over the next year or so. Ok. 11.35pm.

Monday 17th December 2012

Okay, my evening is almost gone. Today has been quite relaxed. I got loads of stuff copied up and I read a little bit. I’m keen to be done with all the paperwork for the year. Was wise to go through the MIND stuff week by week so that I can do a final recap tomorrow evening. Tomorrow I’ll do a bit of typing and some prep. I want to leave the house early so I can go into Durham City to get Xmas presents.

It was good to see some M Gira rarities on ebay today. Too expensive for me though. I like Swans and Jarboe but I’m not an avid collector.

I watched the BBC news on iplayer for the first time in a while. Unreal that people won’t budge on their gun ‘rights’. I also watched a clip of Jesse Ventura ripping David Icke to shreds. Jesse was asking what David based his belief in the existence of reptilian/human hybrids on and he couldn’t really answer, got annoyed and walked out of the interview. Jesse investigates some dubious stuff and keeps an open mind but David looked flustered. I’m interested in conspiracy theories. Even if just to brighten a dull day. But at present all I want to do is read some good poetry and flash fiction and memoir. Really looking forward to Winter Journal by Paul Auster. I’m going to enjoy going through all my book purchases of the last couple of years during 2013 when I won’t be buying anything besides paper stock and printing. House is cooling down quite a bit now. Enjoying writing with this Uniball Gel Grip Mitsubishi pen. Gonna use one for my 2013 diary. Really good. Listening mainly to Kate Bush this evening, The Mission this morning. I live a simple life. OK. 10.00 pm.

Tuesday 18th December 2012

Kate Bush 'The Whole Story' at ten past ten on a Tuesday morning. My left hand aches and I’m concerned about the amount of manual labour I’ll be able to undertake next year with regards to bookmaking. I’m gonna do my fifty copies of So Much for the Sunshine and possibly only 26 of the eighty-page handwritten journal sampler in the summer. I want them to be really eye-catching though. It was good to see the Gira limited edition of Selfishness on ebay last night. Had no idea that existed. Apparently 500 copies were made but four hundred were destroyed. A copy was selling for ninety-three quid. I wouldn’t buy it though. Only book like that I’ll invest in is ‘20’ by Rollins. Not much chance of finding a copy. But never say never. 10.15 a.m.

Feel a lot better this evening now I’m done with workshops. The last one at Mind this afternoon was very enjoyable and I came away buzzing. Mam and Ernie called by with Xmas presents. 

Watching an adaptation of Ruth Rendell’s 13 Steps Down. It’s about a guy obsessed with John Christie of 10 Rillington Place and a supermodel. He’s just buried some girl in the back garden of the old lady’s house where he rents a room. There’s a half hour interval for the news.

 

On the bus to Durham this afternoon I read a double page spread on cycling and how it can be meditative and good for mental health. I reckon I’m going to start riding my twenty-seven speed again. First couple of times will kill me of course. Gonna stick to roads and designated cycle routes, flat terrain for the first few rides until I get accustomed to it again. Weighed myself for the first time in ages today. First time I’ve been twelve stone for over a year. I’m not going to concern myself too much about that until after Xmas. Me and Jenni fully intend to have our supersized dinner. Although for health reasons I’m tempted to make it slightly smaller than last year. Jenni put a pic of the one from 2011 on facebook this morning. A colossal plate of food. 

I might treat myself to a toasted cheese and tomato sandwich or a pork pie before the concluding part of 13 Steps Down. Tomorrow will be a loose ends sort of day. I have a good vibe about next year. 10.15pm.

Wednesday 19th December 2012

Okay, where the fuck did the day go? I was scribbling morning pages at eight o’clock and now it’s nearly five in the afternoon and I’ve only made a stage prop and bought some food and Xmas cards. Someone posted an incredible BMX vid on facebook filmed in a disused reservoir near Newcastle. The transitions were so high they guys had to be towed by a motorbike in order to achieve sufficient speed to catch air. But big air they did catch. Absolutely brilliant footage. Those little BMX bikes aren’t as light as they look either. Much heavier than the equivalent price trials bike. I don’t know how they get airborne at all – much less eight foot out the top of a bowl. I’m in a bit of a hurry. Tonight is JibbaJabba. Best move on. 4.55pm.

Thursday 20th December 2012

Jenni says I’m a metre away from all my Xmas presents. I’m a minute away from peeing myself. Well, actually no, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but will have to make a move shortly. Going into Newcastle again for more presents. Don’t really know what to buy. Jenni wants to come with me. It’ll be department stores again, I reckon. And a scam of the Xmas music press. I remember when we had Sounds, Melody Maker and NME and Kerrang! Now we have Q, Uncut, Mojo, Classsic Rock, Metal Hammer, Terrorizer, Rocksound, Big Cheese, NME and a few others and most of them hold little interest. Maybe it’s just me getting older. I have no idea who the current crop of pop groups are. I don’t think pop music is in the least bit interesting anymore. No-one huddles round the radio on a Sunday to listen to the top forty. There’s no John Peel. You can get everything off the internet. Music, books, television. A broadband connection and you’re laughing. Jenni is a little tiger today. She does the naughty burps. I want a bacon sandwich. I want a big cup of coffee but won’t get one coz I gave the stuff up nearly four years ago. I just found out the other day that Chrissie Wellington is no longer doing triathlons. I never got round to reading her autobiography this year. Will get it from the library. I have a lot to do between now and Xmas. Presents, house to clean. People to visit. I ate far too many peanuts last night. Jenni brought a bowl up from the bar after JibbaJabba and I ate most of them. Gonna have to go on a diet and fitness regime in 2013. I’m looking forward to new beginnings. It’ll be fun to see how things play out. 9.23 a.m.

Awesome day. Me and Jenni lay awake talking till about two this morning. Had about six hours sleep then lay awake again talking about conspiracy theories, Xmas presents and poetry events. We eventually got out of bed around half ten. By twelve we were having breakfast at Burger King. Double rodeo burgers. Then, lucky me, I’d been paid a bit of cash so presents weren’t a problem. We got everything except a card for Ernie’s birthday and something for brother Mark. Jenni has all the good ideas. One of her best was going to the Goose pub on Percy Street. We got crown carvery dinner for £4.19 with as many vegetables as you like then bottomless ice cream for an extra £1.50. We sat for an hour marvelling at how amazing the food was for the price then had trouble trying to walk back to Eldon Square for the completion of our shopping trip.

Bus home was no problem. I slept most of the way. No connection for Moorside till ten past seven so I didn’t get home until half past. Have spent the evening wrapping up Xmas presents. Lots of them to do, it’s gonna take a while.

I intended not to eat any more but feel the need for a little supper. A cheese and cucumber sandwich will suffice. I’ll be about twelve and a half stone by the time New Year rolls round. Intend to stay up another hour or so to  get through as much wrapping as possible. Right now though I want a nice drink of Tango Apple Juice and that sandwich.

Kevin Cadwallender posted a cyborg picture of me on facebook. It’s the shot Bish took at Pink Lane last year with colour enhancements. It looks mint. Only a little of my head and fingers, Kev’s added scribble coming from my head as well – totally got the brink of inertia reference.

It’s nice to be nearly done. Only need to work on the house a bit before Xmas Eve. Saw lots of cool things today but will have to list them in my gratitude pages. Done here. 11.29pm.

Friday 21st December 2012

Well, the toilet flushes, the lights still work, there’s traffic out on Derby Drive. Seems we’re still alive. Apocalypse now? No, I don’t think so. Best laid plans and all that jazz. Dreamt I was in the bus station and the double decker in D bay facing the wrong way was an old London one and the song blasting from the cab was Don’t Stop Believing but it wasn’t Journey and it wasn’t the cast of Glee. I waited and waited, the final bars rang out and just as the dj was about to say the name of the artist the flaming bus sped away. Typical!

Lots of stuff to do today. Need to nip into town for weekly allowance despite taking about £300 out the bank for Xmas presents since Monday. I need new razors. I need new bedding.

I didn’t go to bed till about ten to two this morning so I’m a little off kilter. Six and a half hours sleep isn’t really enough.

In one dream I’m credited as co-script writer on a film showing at Consett Empire. But people in the audience at the regional premiere are misbehaving and keep interrupting the screening so it’s postponed until another date can be fixed when morons can’t get in.

That huge meal Me and Jenni ate in The Goose on Percy Street yesterday was just the best value carvery I’ve ever seen.  £4.19 for gammon, turkey, beef, Yorkshire puddings, carrots, peas, leeks, cauliflower, smash, roasties and gravy plus cranberry, mustard, mint, horse radish sauces. You could pile the vegetables high or go back for seconds. And £1.50 for bottomless ice cream - self serve and top up when you feel like it. So, basically, enough calories to stun a horse for £5.69. We sat about an hour. A great warm-up to our Xmas Day meal.

It was good fun wrapping up presents last night. I’m still waiting on one for Jenni and one for Mam. Hopefully they’ll arrive today. Good thing about paperbacks from Amazon: they fit through the letterbox.

I was surprised to see a copy of Works by Rollins only fetched twenty nine dollars on ebay this week. I paid seventy quid for mine in the summer. I suppose this time of year people have other financial priorities or maybe just missed it. Also, a copy of Knife Street went for a similar price. I suppose there’s still hope that one day a copy of ‘20’ will appear online.

Supported by my elbow on the bed, left palm against my head, my fingers go numb. Yesterday my right knee and tendons were playing up. Not sure how my legs will be if I try out the bike again in 2013. I think Jenni is going to have a little ride on my trials bike next week.  It’ll be fun to do a few tricks on it. But I’m not going to wreck myself or kill my fingers for the sake of a quick thrill. Be nice to get some pix of me doing a few drops-offs though – before I’m unable to manoeuvre the bike over any obstacles at all. 8.55am.

LATER: Home by ten this evening after the Waddy Xmas meal. A Chinese buffet rather than tradition Xmas fare. I had three plates of stuff: chicken curry, some beef, some pork and mushrooms. All okay, but a bit greasy, I’d rather have English food. I made up for it with two helpings of apple and raspberry crumble for dessert.

A band called Warpaint on Spotify. A recommendation from a colleague. She’s right, they do sound like Bat for Lashes. Thanks Ali Lee. I like the sound of Warpaint.

Jenni rang about five minutes after I got home. Says she might have difficulty getting everything over to mine on Monday.

Highlights of today: Giving Quality Street to library staff. Apple and Raspberry crumble. Andrew singing Fairytale of New York for Ron outside The Head of Steam in Durham. Chatting about eating at the Goose. Chatting about music. A nice glass of Black currant and soda bought by SW. Chatting with Jenni about poetry candidates. Listening to Warpaint. Buying 80s sweets in Boyes. Finding an advert in the Metro for a Coast to Coast cycle challenge scheduled for May 2013.

Tonight an ex-worker from the office of the warehouse I used to work at got on the bus. I recognized her but she didn’t recognize me. She once asked me if I wanted to go see Depeche Mode in London with her friends. I declined the offer. Think I bought a Madonna ticket off her for the Drowned World Tour. Anyway, feeling rather sleepy and low on conversation, so I didn’t reintroduce myself. It was good to be home by ten this evening. I will be glad when all the festive prep is done. 11.16pm.

Saturday 22nd December 2012

Don’t want any stress. Keep thinking about medication. Wondering if I should go get some. Don’t want to burn out in 2013. To be honest, my days can’t be anywhere near as hectic as spending nine or ten hours doing a demeaning job when you’re capable of achieving so much more. I feel really warm this morning. It’s only quarter past six. The heating isn’t on yet. Maybe it’s all those msg chemicals coursing through my system after last night’s meal. It was okay, but I’d much rather stick to English food. Last night Ron was talking about jam rolly poly and spotted dick with custard and I thought yeah, really heart-warming winter comfort food. I enjoyed the curry but still felt I was filling my body with radioactive substances, don’t know why. Maybe just the mixture of smells and the heat coming off the rows of buffet food. I much preferred the crown carvery at the Goose for half the price on Thursday. I’m looking forward to getting all the prep for Xmas out the way and pretty much lazing for at least a few days doing fuck-all but watching films and maybe going out for a wander. So looking forward to simply sitting downstairs and reading and jotting down ideas in a rough book for a couple of months. One of my goals for 2013 is to stay away from the computer a lot more. I’m loving this Mitsubishi gel grip pen. It’s the best one I’ve had for freewriting and it lasts a long time. Great for regular scribbles. Well, I suppose I should get up. 6.34 am.

Facebook status update: “Using Pritt Stick instead of Sellotape when wrapping presents is splendid – almost as satisfying as writing on the rubber sole of a slipper with a biro.” – Oh the joys of doing the Xmas ritual. I got lots of comments and 7 likes for that update. Today has been pretty stressful. Was meant to be going to Jenni’s tonight but had to stay home coz there’s just so much to do. My mouth is in an uproar too. Anticipating a load of ulcers for Xmas. Still, rather inside than out. Anything but the coldsore.

Consett was a total wash-out today. Parts of the country elsewhere are flooded. Yes, it’s Christmas time and there’s no need to be afraid, coz God really does work in mysterious ways. But hey, it’s not the end of the world – unless you live in Wales.

Mam and Ernie are coming up tomorrow afternoon. It will be good to see them. I want the house tidy by then. Well, downstairs anyway. I am very behind on typesetting. Have done no real proper work – finally got a copy of Limerance into an envelope for Crista. She ordered it nearly a fortnight ago. Things slip my mind easily of late. I’m a bit frazzled. But at least I’m not out in the rain tomorrow. I will be pleased when Xmas Day is here. House still to clean and the finances are in a dire state. Hope I get some new work in next year.  I haven’t touched my chapbook for about a fortnight. I am tired and haven’t eaten well today. Best meal I’ve had this week is crown carvery from The Goose on Percy Street in Newcastle on Thursday afternoon.

I was listening to Kate Bush earlier but haven’t had much music on today. Only had a few sporadic minutes at facebook this evening. Really, really tired. Will do the logbooks and then I’ll turn in. The heating has been on full-whack this evening. 10.57 pm.

Sunday 23rd December 2012

Not as dark outside this morning. Very windy though. Pity the poor folk in Wales flooded out yesterday. We’ve been fairly lucky this year. But flash flooding looks set to be the national fucking norm until we hit an ice age.

Totally overspent on Xmas. I am hoping to make the food last about two weeks so I don’t have to concern myself with shopping. Jenni said Gateshead was dead yesterday. Probably due to the weather. I think a lot of people will be buying online. It’s always nice to spend time browsing though, particularly bookshops and record stores.

I have lots to do. I always have. I find it quite easy to make difficult work for myself. Been doing it for years. 8.33 am.

A long day of tidying up the house before the lazy week ahead. Seem to generate more papers each term than the previous. I should just chuck it all out but usually end up going through bits, filing away and pushing a lot of info into another pile to be checked again further down the line. Good to clear out the cobwebs. Have spent a small fortune on food but struggle to get a snack beyond the fried bread pork pie or tortilla chip variety.

I didn’t get onto the computer till quarter past eight which is a pretty good achievement. Played Toro Amos’ Under the Pink – a pre-recorded 1994 cd on a 1989 cd player. It’s good to leave the internet off now and again. Mama and Ernie were here later this afternoon. They run the Newton Aycliffe food bank and were telling me about the people who rely on food parcels to keep going. One young lad who due to a family crisis became homeless and was in a B&B but only got one meal a day. He turned sixteen mid December. Yesterday a Big Issue seller wished me a Merry Christmas. I had backpack of food and two carrier bags full as well. All this big celebration for the baby Jesus and we pig out and blow tonnes of money on stuff we probably don’t really need. Mam and Ernie have a break away after Boxing Day. Hope they have a peaceful time.

Jenni was in touch tonight. Says she’ll be okay to get here on the bus and won’t need me to accompany her. I told her not to risk the last bus, not on Xmas Eve.

There was a documentary about Noah’s Arc on ITV this evening. I lasted about fifteen minutes then nodded off. I’ve missed work today. Good to do the house stuff. But I’ve got loads of other stuff to catch up on. Next year will be strange, not writing so much. I have lots to read. Twenty-two people like my Pritt Stick vs Sellotape update. I will post a ton of prose and only three people will acknowledge. A silly little Xmas one-liner and I’ve got attention. 10.47pm.

Monday 24th December 2012

Don’t let them grind you down. Don’t be guilt-tripped into towing the party line. Don’t be fooled into throwing away your freedom. Use your powers of persuasion. Don’t be fooled into throwing in the towel. Use your time wisely. Avoid the gossip mongers and ne’er do wells. Don’t let them hoodwink you into false dreams. Don’t be chained to desires that aren’t truly right for you. Help people to help themselves. Be a mentor, a guide, not just a servant. These are things I tell myself. I’ve whinged and complained about my workload and stupid bureaucracy for the last couple of months. I’ve bought myself a little time and I’ve got a few projects that could propel me into new places. So I’m not going to be guilt-tripped into taking some shit job. You only have one life. Make the most of it. Don’t be guilt-tripped into behaviour that goes against your true nature. Anyway, enough of the heavy stuff. So-called artists always find ways to practise their chosen crafts and let others worry about funding. I’m willing to run workshops anywhere. I’ll go do it, I’m not lazy. But I’m not going to do some mindless bullshit for a criminally low hourly rate. Anyway, I’m gonna grab porridge then get shaved. 7.05 am.

LATER: Woke super early. Did morning pages then had breakfast. Sliced orange on porridge sprinkled with cinnamon. I wanted to get cards out to the neighbours but needed a shave and out on the twenty past nine bus to Consett. Bought a bottle of dandelion and Burdock in town to drink at Diane’s. Police arrived the same time as me to give an update on the investigation into the burglary at her place at the weekend. They were really helpful. I stayed till about ten past eleven then went back into town to post a copy of Limerance and buy more food. Ended up spending another thirty quid. Had five or six bags, including presents from Diane. Should have bought the meat first instead of having to stand in a queue with plastic bag handles cutting off the circulation in my fingers.

Got home about one o’clock. Jenni phoned to say she’d be over late afternoon. I did more housework then finally got onto the computer. Only managed about a page of typesetting. Saw a great video online: Martyn Ashton trials riding on a Bradley Wiggins £10,000 carbon road bike. And the only damage was a few scratches. He did some really awesome moves on it as well. So impressed I posted the vid on facebook. Normally reserved only for poetry items, but as it’s the Xmas holiday period I can get away with off-duty updates. I showed Jenni as soon as she arrived and she was impressed. 

We had our first kitchen disaster with the oven pizza. The so-called 'baking tray provided' caught fire and had to be discarded. We put the pizza directly onto the middle shelf and it sagged and cooked sloppy. Had to remove the shelf to salvage the food. Still tasted lush but the manufacturer’s cooking directions were shit. Tomorrow I’m making sage and onion stuffing so that should be a hoot.

I sent an e-card to my Auntie in Canada. Jenni is watching Merlin. I’m listening to Tori Amos while I scribble. I have a sniffle. Hope it doesn’t get worse. Jenni brought a suitcase full of presents. She is very excited. Tomorrow will be fun. Hope we get plenty of sleep. Before the magic. 8.39pm.