Nine Lives and Numerous Lies

Friday 23rd November 2012

If I can get eight hours on "So Much for the Sunshine" I should get quite a bit done. There’s no way it’ll be out by 12th December though. Actually, it would be better if it came out in 2013. Start the year with a good publication. I have not managed any reading for a while. Next year I’m methodically working my way through some books. I’m tempted to buy a Donut pamphlet to see how well they’re put together. 9.04 a.m.

Good day. Pottered on with this and that. Took me a while to get all the Poetry Jam stuff together, hopefully we’ll have a decent turn out for the last one of 2012.

   Didn’t get into Consett till three this afternoon. Bought an artist’s sketchbook 110gsm for a quid, made an eighty page paperback journal book with it. Really annoying that the fucking cutting mats keep slipping, messing up my edges. Gonna buy some clamps and a decent non-slip ruler as well.

Googled image ideas for my chapbook.

   Don’t have to be anywhere tomorrow. A day to myself and Im doing some pages for the book. Getting really frustrated at not being able to have a clear sweep at it. No hope of getting it done by the end of the year.

   Various Failures’ is on Spotify. Good to listen to Swans and catch up with people on Facebook. Sara Hammersley says my blog has been blocked due to questionable content. Barred in Qatar. Jenni says I should write a poem using that as a title. 11.38 pm.

Saturday 24th November 2012

Finally, a day where the only thing on my agenda is my own creative writing. This project should only take five days start to finish. But when there’s a load of other stuff in the way… Wish I could get a good clear run at this one. So Much for the Sunshine. 8.04 a.m.

The chapbook is coming along nicely. Made a killer page with the hypomanic styled Randomizer poem. One of those moments when it just feels right. I bolded up the text and posted it on Facebook briefly. Jenni and Sheila gave likes. Really looking forward to getting Sunshine published next year. I reckon February. I’ll put a mini-journal sampler out in July and hopefully have a full-length paperback 2012 book out by October 2013. My ‘perfect-bound’ fold and stitch notebook came out okay after being pressed overnight.

This my first Saturday night at home in a while. Made good use of it. 11.05pm.

Sunday 25th November 2012

In my own bed this Sunday morning for a change. Stayed up till about half-one talking to Jenni then crashed out. It’s been raining pretty heavily overnight and at one point I was tempted to get up and check that water wasn’t getting into the house. Can’t be doing with flood damage, especially this time of year. 10.17 a.m.

Lazy Sunday not so lazy talking shop. Jenni cleaned out all the crap in my computer. Runs a lot faster now. The old laser printer works but not for pix so I’ll definitely be doing my chapbook via photocopy but I’ll be able to print regular text pamphlets no sweat.

It’s been good to not have to go far for a few days. Pleased it’s nearly end of term. Reckon I’ll stay at home next week to catch up on the paperwork. Pleased I got so much of my chapbook editing done yesterday. I have a bottle of ginger beer, I have the love of my life staying over and I don’t have to do some nine to five tomorrow. Gonna have a burger and chips tonight. Always measuring out the days in workshops and food intake.

I like my ginger beer.  At Xmas time I get a bottle or two of Rochester’s non-alcoholic ginger wine. The tag line: With the kick of two very angry mules. But it’s quite expensive and goes down like any other soft drink. 9.26 pm.

Monday 26th November 2012

Awoken by rain again. Tedious steady rain so annoying but nothing we haven’t had before. I’ve known it piss down five days running and we’ve been fine at the end of it. Feel a bit rough this morning. Apprehensive about end of term papers. I will be working most of the day. I’m pretty much burnt out. Think I just feel the need to make a new body of work and everything else is just a fucking obstacle to that.

Don’t think I’ve done anywhere near the amount I did last year but feel like it’s been absolutely loads. Be pleased when I’ve got my New Years Eve review of the year written and posted on facebook. 7.50 a.m.

Dark at four. They’ve got their Christmas lights up and we’re not out of November yet. The rain is constant and the central heating too. These pissy yellow light bulbs, sure they save energy but that’s because they don’t give off enough light. Couldn’t illuminate a doll’s house.

Dark at Four. Hopefully the rain will ease and we’ll get a good turn out for Lamplight Open Mic tonight. Jenni is on the computer. I’m taking a breather from work-related activity. My bag is packed, going to get my clothes ready then make us each a nice bowl of Cowboy Hash. 4.15 pm.

Post Lamplight: Rain still pissing everywhere. Sheila couldn’t make it to Lamplight. Gig was good. Nine performers/readers. Big thanks to everyone.

   Full of the munchies, I had eggy bread and a hot cross bun. Jenni returned to Moorside rather than risk a dodgy last bus to Gateshead, and is currently tucking into a steak pie which she has topped up with cheese and heated in the microwave. “It’s very good,” she says, “I highly recommend it.” 11.20 pm.

Tuesday 27th November 2012

A brighter morning but feeling a bit frazzled again today. The impending assessment stuff for Waddy too much to look at. Not enough time or energy. Left the house at 20 to eleven this morning. Said bye to Jen in Consett bus station. She caught the 45 to Newcastle, I went to get a sandwich and some Tango apple juice. Then waited for the 15 to Durham. An hour later at Waddy and the tension is starting to rise. I have a load of papers. A load of options but no idea how they're going to pan out. I think I'm just totally spent. I want this term over and I want my book sorted. I'm sick of the repetitive paperwork for 'college' courses. All I want to do is sleep. Was up really late for a work night. Twenty to one when I got to bed. Awake at ten to seven. I've done morning pages. I'm nearly a week behind on journal type-ups. I'll get them done on Thursday and Friday and then spend the next three days sifting though forms and getting stuff sorted for college.

   On the plus side Sheila asked if I'd be interested in publishing a pamphlet of poetry by Kevin Cadwallender and Aidan Halpen. 2013 could be a good year for Talking Pen: my chapbook, the Kev/Aidan pamphlet and Jenni's debut collection. Looking forward to the end of term. Not just the last session, but the loose ends, tidying up shit that goes with it. Well, it's one o'clock. People will be arriving soon. More later.1.00pm.

LATER: Only one person this afternoon. Centre has been quiet this week. Understandable due to the weather. I'm now on the 21 to Chester-le-Street. Apparently buses have been delayed all day. Hopefully this one - which is on time - won't have any trouble getting through. The Mind session is planned. I'm doing the same ‘nonsense’ session I ran at Waddy last week. Hope it goes okay.

   I didn't get a chance to speak about end of term paperwork. I'll be busy with that all weekend. I feel a bit more alert after the restful afternoon. Apparently there's a sickness bug going round at present. Two people at Waddy unwell. I'm already run down. Be just my fucking luck... Anyway, will write more later. It's a slow week. hope the writing session for Mind goes okay today.

    Good session at MIND this afternoon. Only four of the group in but to be expected with poor weather. We did the nonsense pieces. Wasn't sure they were going to go with it but we had a lot of fun. Have left the last four sessions feeling really positive. I'm pretty good at these sessions, just need more time to pull all the paperwork together. Have a few weeks for that. Haven't a clue what to do at Waddy in the morning through.

   On the 21 to Newcastle now. Going to Fiction Burn event at Bar Loco but probably won't get to see the first act. Not sure when the doors open but I think it'll be about eight o'clock by the time I get there. 7.15pm.

WORKLOG : More prep for Waddy and MIND Request in from Sheila to publish Kevin Cadwallender and Aidan Halpen. So long as they don't need inner graphics we can get it happening. Want to be able to do the work mainly from my own PC. Messed around with logo ideas for Talking Pen. Used a black marker and wrote with my left hand. Got a simple scrawl effect that I quite like. I blew it up and it looks good. I reduced it and it looks good. I think it might work. Will try it out on Thursday on parchment. Poor session at Waddy, only Alex in. We watched William S Burroughs documentary. Mind was good fun. Robinson’s Final Sentence, nonsense with Exquisite Corpse and group surreal piece. I reckon we could perform some of the Ex Corpses if tidied up. Possibility of an AGM gig in January. Be good to get more work with newbies. I’m at Fiction Burn tonight. Hope I don't miss Tony Williams. 7.23pm.

Gratitude: Thanks for a decent bus service today. Thanks for time out this afternoon. Thanks for Tango Apple Juice and Heinz beef and vegetable Big Soup. Thanks for a well-lit spacious seat on the new 21 to Newcastle. Thanks to Jenni for love and affection and putting up with my moping. Thanks to Durham Mind for great sessions with the writing group. Thanks for a bit of time to myself. 7.28pm.

Wednesday 28th November

Writing in the dark is pretty hard but I'm giving it a go. Went to fiction burn last night. Some great stuff on show. I enjoyed Tall Tales and Short Stories. Those guys are always great. Claire Murphy Morgan did a superb piece in country and western style. “Who will coca cola point its gun at next?. Reminded me a little of Jarboe (of Swans). I think Claire would enjoy the Anhedoniac album. Really enjoyed Tony William's flash fictions, a couple of them I'd heard him do at the Lit and Phil launch but one of them was new to me because I've not read all of his book yet. I have too many books.

   This writing in the dark reminds me of journaling done on a cornflakes packet during a power cut. Today's session is the ninth at Waddy for Wednesday group. I have no set workshop planned yet. No idea who we'll get in today. I haven't talked to staff about what next term might bring. But last night Charles at Mind was very keen to have me prolong the writing course there. Which is good. Coz I need to flex a bit and make use of all my material. I might do some show don't tell and metaphor next week. Lots of scope for development. At Waddy though it's getting rather difficult. I will of course come up with something on the bus

   Writing in the dark at Jenni's place. I came home early. She stayed out late. I'm getting up in a little while. Jenni will sleep on a bit longer as she doesn't have to work till later. Will decide after my session if I go to Hartlepool this evening. I d like to see Jeff and Aidan do their poems but I am so behind on assessments that I need as much time as I can get to catch up. And I've not keyed in journal for a week. So that's two full day's work. We'll see how it goes. I promised Alex I'd show him some smash books on YouTube at Waddy this afternoon too.

   Writing in the dark. How awful must it be, permanently not being able to see. Time to get up now. 7.28 a.m.

21 to Newcastle. Session at Waddy was good this morning. Of the ideas listed on the way in, I only had to use two of them. Sold three copies of Hypomaniac! I’m meeting up with Jenni in Newcastle then a car ride to Hartlepool. The amount of road burn this week is a bit much. My head is battered with bureaucratic bullshit. No wonder I want to withdraw and just write about keeping the world at bay much of the time. 3.38 pm.

Skies getting greyer. Time ticking. Twenty minutes to get to Newcastle and then a walk across town to Settledown Café. 4.10 pm.

LATER: Cut it fine. Got to Newcastle at 27 mins past four. Luckily Jenni was waiting for me outside. A brisk walk back into Eldon Square for sandwiches then a Metro to Jeff Price’s house. I slept and zoned out in the back of his car on the way to Hartlepool, grateful for a car seat and constant forward motion without feeling the need to be vocal.

   Gig in Hartlepool fantastic. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a double headline poetry show that isn’t in a pub or cabaret club. A gig where both performers get equal billing and do generous 25 minute sets. Aidan Clarke’s memory skills and performance admired by all. And Jeff’s set was well structured to suit the new audience. Q & A session a great way to fully involve them. Loved it. 9.34 pm.

Thursday 29th November 2012

Good of Jeff to take us to Hartlepool, and Aidan to bring us back. I got home at twenty five to eleven. There was an electricity bill on the mat and the 120gsm paper ordered for book pages. Instead of going to bed after email checks, I made up another chapbook. It would only be possible to make one with more than 36 pages if it were hand-stitched. The paper is so thick, I’d need a more heavy duty stapler than the Bostitch booklet stapler.

I feel I’ve let things slip this year. I’ll be okay when I get my chapbook sorted. I need to clear my head over the winter, come back in 2013 with a new angle and energy. A bit of breathing space. Oh yes, I like to have a bit of solitude. 8.34am.

Went to bed about twenty to one. Slept well. Lay in this morning pondering book projects for while. I pulled out a limited edition Henry Rollins pamphlet and counted up the journal entries in it. Twenty-two covering an eleven month period 1986-87. I was riding skateboards and listening to The Cure and The Mission then. I didn’t start writing till 1989. I enjoyed flicking through that Rollins pamphlet. If I hadn’t seen him in a skateboard magazine in Sept 88 I wouldn’t have become a writer.

   I started keeping a journal in 89. Today I made a monograph for the Wrapbag project using a poem that came from one of my 2002 entries. It’s a piece I wrote after being out on my trials mountain bike one afternoon doing tricks on the all-weather pitch in Blackfyne and a ride through Doctor’s Wood near my old stomping ground between Blackhill and Bridgehill. The poem first appeared in a Mental Health anthology in November 2002 for which I read at a launch party in Earls House hospital.

   It was a turning point for me. A member of the audience thrust a business card into my hand and said, “I’ll be in touch.” The card was for a resource centre in Durham. The guy was an arts co-ordinator for the organisation. And he kept his word. I got an invite to visit Waddington Street Centre and was offered the role of creative writing publishing facilitator. I’d never ran a writing workshop before but was encouraged to give it a go.

   Almost ten years later, I am still running sessions there for members experiencing mental health issues. I think “Coming Back to This” had something to do with me getting that job. It always goes down well at readings, for reasons I’m still unable to fully grasp. “Thank your lucky stars for freestyle bikes and poetry.” And being in the right place at the right time, of course.

…Well, best make a move and get that single poem off to the post office. It’s a ‘one-off’ edition so I hope it doesn’t go astray. I like one-off’s. Ok. 2.18pm.

Friday 30th November 2012

LATER: Stayed at Jenni’s last night after a great gig at the Cumberland. Take New Voices. Some amazing performances. Talked to a lot more people than usual.

   We didn’t get up till half eleven. I left at twelve to catch the X71 back home. Bus was fifteen minutes late. When I got to Consett only two cashiers in the bank. I waited twenty minutes, no exaggeration. A member of staff kept coming out and offering freebies from a big tub of celebrations chocolates to the punters queued nearly out the door.

   Haven't done anything work related this afternoon yet except ring Sheila and respond to emails.

   I bought some bug spray! A quid from Boyes. Emptied bin, bagged up other trash. Washed up and put everything edible away, then blasted the kitchen and left the room.

    Went back ten minutes later, fumes a bit strong but no fucking flies. I washed the drainer and bench again before preparing a meal. Cowboy Hash with grill-browned smash and melted cheese. Wafted my open Tango apple pop bottle about. Not a single fucker came sniffing, ha-ha!

Saturday 1st December 2012

Andrea is appalled at the angry brat’s behaviour. If she ever had kids there’s no way she’d let them bawl and shriek on the bus like some of these lot do. There’s a whole load of commuters on their way to work, on their way to jobs they’d rather not be doing. And to cap it all they have to put up with the screaming infant. Fucking hell, why bother giving yourself the grief, she thinks. Why not be a mountain climber, a successive business woman or an artist. Anything but a domestic drudge. Fuck maternal instinct, kids are just so much hard work.

Bossy Brian says you’d better get that van loaded up by ten oclock or you’ll be out on your arse. There’s plenty more willing to work. And don’t even think about unions. If you can’t keep it together then piss off and let a real bloke do the job.

Clueless Carol left the grill on. That’s what happens when you’re an air head, monkey-minding from one moment to the next. Daughter Debbie came home early. “What’s that smell, Mammy.” And there’s the plastic handle of the grill-pan melted away. Lucky, it wasn’t the whole kitchen.

Dodgy Dave digs up dead bodies in Durham and drives them up to Dumfries where damaged doctors dissect them on demand for dark dreamers. It’s a dangerous business but dodgy Dave does it for the dough. Debt!

Empty Ellen sits in the café staring out the window at the pissing drizzle. Half-day closing in Tombstone doesn’t help. This used to be a thriving little town, she thinks to herself, now I’m lucky if I sell a sherbet lemon by lunchtime!

Forgetful Frank left his slippers on. Thank Goodness it was a dry day. He’s been to school in some states but never has he got up to address the whole of year seven and eight wearing his gorilla feet. How they all laughed. “One day, he’ll turn up in his pyjamas!” said Mrs Straightjacket. If he didn’t have her to keep him right, the whole place would go to the dogs.

Grateful Gary keeps lists of the things he’s thankful for, such as fried egg and bacon sandwiches, the slow burn of sunset, the heat of the winter radiator, the lovely maths teacher who gave him a bit of her Crunchie bar at breaktime. He’s grateful for his milk round, grateful for ants and birds and bees, puppies and knobble-free knees and the fact that Slipknot exist.

Horrible Harry puts dogshit in his sister’s shoes.

Invisible Ingrid isn’t in the best frame of mind today, she wonders if people really care about climate change.

Jolly Jemima sits in the window seat of the library and tells tall tales of piracy and grief to the goldfish in her daydreams. Her jobseekers isn’t due till next week and she’s lost her yoyo.

Killer Katrina looks a million dollars in her leather trousers and Motorhead vest and motorcycle boots. She downs rum and coke at Trillians on a Friday night and rides a Harley Davidson bought with some of her husband's life insurance.

Lazy Lionel won’t get out of bed for anything less than a grand. A photo shoot? Yawn. An instore appearance? Maybe. He turns over and reaches for the gin bottle. Well, you’ve got to have a little something to take the edge off these dreary December mornings. Father Christmas, don’t make me fucking laugh!

Mad Michael throws pennies at the school children. Here’s luck for ya, sunshine. Make a wish, petal. It’s all good I swear to ya.

Nasty Natasha sits reading someone’s private letters in the staff room and scratches the celebrity eyes out of Heat magazine when she should be typing up the minutes of another marketing meeting. She spits in kettle and remembers pushing Rachael Johnson in the nettles near the sandpit. Yes, she was a nasty little shit at seven and twenty years later she’s no better.

*  *  * 

Didn’t go to bed till two this morning due to getting somewhat engrossed in designing a new Talking Pen logo, as yet unfinished.

I didn’t like today's fictional morning pages when I wrote them but keying in this evening with a bit of tweaking some aren’t so bad. I’m posting them anyway just to remind myself that I can shift the focus away from Cellar Twelve once in a while. 7.38 pm.