HOW IT ENDS

Monday 21st October 2019

It’s getting a lot colder and I’m into double trousers and socks and soon the big fleece dressing gown will come out. Been back to bed this afternoon trying to get rid of a headache but it didn’t work. Got a mid-term review to do tomorrow. Been listening to Bowie today. Live from Glastonbury. Pleased I got a Steve Achieves up earlier coz I’m in no mood to do anything else tonight. Might get work-log copied up, but reckon that’ll be Wednesday. I was meant to be at Alix’s and David’s wedding reception party tonight but just too knackered and have a sore throat. Three nights of Terror in the Trees with biking there and back hammers me. Next weekend same again. After the final run of dates it will take a fortnight to fully recover. I’ll be in bed quite early tonight. About ten, I reckon. Chest is bad. Feel like shit. I’ll do tomorrow then rest till Friday. 7.46 pm.

Tuesday 22nd October 2019

Up at half-seven, at Waddington Street Centre by twelve. Chatted with Fliss about Terror in the Trees. Showed her a pic of me in costume published last night by Beamish Wild. Ali Lee, the Waddy manager, says our friend Anna asked her and Peter to go on the 30th but neither are up for it. My writing workshop became a thing about writer’s block, then Sestina/Tritina and sonnets. We read ‘Pumpkin Night’ by horror writer Gary McMahon at the end. Spent a while getting my college payment paperwork done then bus to Consett. Tried to read but fell asleep. Went to Tesco for food. Thought it best to get the bulk of it when I had a bus ticket to get me home. Watched the rest of the ‘David Bowie – Man Who Bought the World’ documentary. Good stuff, but skimmed key moments and not much music. Got some admin done. But mainly just relaxing, my warm clothes keeping the cold at bay. Book work tomorrow. 11.11 pm.

Wednesday 23rd October 2019

Enjoyed a walk in the sunshine to post office with some pamphlets. Nice to see the blue sky and not need a coat on. Got a Steve Achieves out of it. Listened to some early Bowie demos tonight. And some of the ‘Leaving Meaning’ album by Swans. The songs are more narrative but I need to hear the whole thing before I make up my mind.  I preferred the early stuff – not into 25-minute epic soundscapes. The new album isn’t as protracted as that, but its still not entirely Children of God or The Great Annihilator. I got into a Facebook chat about Rollins books but my desktop pc jammed up halfway through. Hate it when Facebook fucks up. At least I got Poetry Jam promoted tonight. Will work on Anomalies Deluxe again tomorrow. Feet are freezing. Bed soon. 11.37 pm.

Thursday 24th October 2019

Admin till eleven. Then into town for bank transactions and supplies for Terror in the Trees. I must surely be on the way to Beecham’s honey and lemon addiction – only kidding. But I have enough sachets to get me through seven shows over the next nine days at Beamish. Weather has been dry all week. Watch it piss down from tomorrow till Monday. I did about five hours on Anomalies Deluxe. Still loads of corrections to do and pictures to insert. But I reckon in a fortnight I’ll be making my own personal copy of the book. I’ll then give it one more full read and tweak anything dodgy. Today I listened to the new Swans album three times in a row. Much better than ‘The Seer’, ‘To Be Kind’ or ‘The Glowing Man’. Probably better than ‘My Father Will Guide Me Up a Rope to the Sky’ really. I used the listen as a Steve Achieves. 11.01 pm.

Friday 25th October 2019

Surprised my little journal isn’t soaking. Fucking pissing rain. On cue for Terror in the Trees. Thought I had an hour to myself this morning then I got a message from college informing me that the hours I was previously told I’d logged correctly aren’t. Ride over to Beamish was fucking freezing. Really soaked. Couldn’t turn the brass doorknob of the dressing room door when I got here. Steve Lucock did my makeup at 4.50 pm. I spent some time just trying to dry clothes with the hairdryer. My nice clean joggers are totally soaked. But I am lucky. I will stay dry whilst performing tonight. People are congregating in the hotel corridor now. Becs asks about the journal and spelling of words such as ‘holiday’ and ‘Granda’. I will cut short here and maybe do more before getting soaked at eleven tonight. 5.43 pm.

Saturday 26th October 2019

Could have done with an extra hour in bed but feel okay this afternoon. Got yesterday’s wet bike stuff dry. Had bangers and mash for dinner. Online chat with Jenni. Did a Steve Achieves. Sorted through stuff in my wheelie case here at Beamish and have lots of clothes for the rest of the run. No worries. Steven has been sewing a patch onto the side of his clown costume. Lisa is feeling a bit under the weather and has chips to kill the hunger. Rob wants a lie down. Steve Lucock has lost his phone with all his bank cards as well. Simon has gone for a burger – rare to see him not covered in clarts. All my bike stuff is dry in a tote bag ready for the ride home. I have a Beecham’s honey and lemon. And in ten minutes will be chewing a cheese and tomato sandwich. I found a Mars bar in my case. And an orange that amazingly isn’t mush. Yay! 4.12 pm.

Sunday 27th October 2019

Around ten-to-six each night at Beamish the cast of Terror in the Trees head over to the cabin at the edge of the woods for our pre-show briefing from Guy or Amy. It’s the only time in the day we see everyone together in costume. There are changes of actors and characters on some nights; and after rehearsals, a live trial night and eleven shows I still don’t know the names of everyone taking part. Some people were only in it for a few nights, one or two left – possibly put off by the repeatedly shitty weekend weather.

   The constants include Steve Lucock, the bagger zombie in bowler hat, white shirt and black waistcoat, who covers the heads of punters as they pass through his zone with only ropes to guide them through the darkness. There’s Steven Richardson, the six-foot nine killer clown in blue dungarees, red and white striped shirt – and brains oozing out the top of his head and a mess of bright red curls covering the rest. He started with a red mouth but now it’s a wide blackened smile. “Pop Corn!” he shouts. Natalie, his co-actor, plays a split personality; she has a pretty side, but when she turns the other way half her face is hanging off with a bloody eye peering from the gore.

   Becs is the woman with three faces. Helen started as zombie with an American accent in The Maze. Her partner in crime is Laura with the creepy constant laughter. Jemma is the voodoo princess, all in black with a top hat and long burgundy scarf trailing behind. She has the eye of Horus in a triangle on the back of her tailcoat. Simon is the witch doctor with bones around his neck and a leather waistcoat, long black cloak and brown top hat. Jemma and Simon have skull masks.

   Alex and Dylan are resident cannibal hillbillies in tartan shirts and dungarees who keep the ticket line entertained with filthy humour, dodgy singing duets – “Just the two of us, building castles in the sky!” – and scary chainsaw antics. Paying punters then enter the cabin for a video and personal intro to the Freak Show by yours truly, Adolph Althoff, death-metal greatest-showman Ringmaster in top hat, blood-stained white shirt, black leather waistcoat, red tailcoat, cut off trousers, fishnet tights and three-buckle pirate boots.

   Emma has been a howling lone wolf along the trail but last night she became a hillbilly with a meat cleaver. Charley is now her partner in crime, jump-scaring trepidatious woodland walkers. Rob has worked the washing area with loads of filthy laundry and a fucked up facemask of gore; Gav, who appears sporadically, has an elephant man mask and blonde matted dreadlocks – more tartan, bloody jeans and black aprons.

   Josh changes character on demand but has recently been a little boy with a zip-up face and a Beatle Juice suit barring the final run for freedom with his dad, Micky, who is a boiler-suited killer clown with a different face every night.

   Graham is the deranged doctor and has his own surgery in a ramshackle hut filled with experiments of a human/animal hybrid nature. His face is a red mask of gore wrapped in bloody bandages. His green surgeon’s outfit is filthified with mud from the frightened and blood from their still-beating hearts.

   Maddie was at a Cher concert last night but is usually a colourful clown with glow in the dark makeup who works the jack in the box zone. Chloe is also a clown and, I think, works ‘the run’. Last year she and I had to stand in a bath to get treacle blood poured over our heads – lovely.

   You’d think as so-called Ringmaster I’d know everyone’s business. The character roles and makeup guides are stuck up on the dressing room wall in the hotel but people come and go. Some of the operations crew stand-in as scare actors as well. Lisa gets pretty gory and works the maze or the run some nights. Ditto the blonde op whose name I don’t know: she wears a frizzy red wig and the white makeup gives her a haunted melancholy look – sad clown in a burgundy tailcoat. I don’t know where she does her scares.

   Logan is a black clad ghoul with a ravaged face and works as a shadow. It’s his job to slow people down after the wooden bridge so there isn’t too much human pile-up in the final third of the course. Bernard changes places regularly; his white clown costume has a rip down the bum and he’s always up to the eyes in clarts.

   I’ve missed a couple of people, I’m sure. Eloise moves from zone to zone. I don’t get to see what goes on in the woods. I just stay in the cabin behind my curtain while Matt the tech guy shows a video. Then I emerge from the smoke to unsettle punters before sending them out to experience the madness… 10.45 am.

Last night’s ride in the cold wind was a bastard so I stayed in bed a bit longer this morning. Did a write-up for Steve Achieves and little else. Chicken curry and grilled potatoes for dinner. I posted Romeo had Juliette from Lou Reed’s New York album on Facebook. He died six years ago today. I’ve liked his stuff since 1989. Bought a front-row ticket to see him at Newcastle City Hall in 1992 and he cancelled. Only other time he came to the north-east was Sage Gateshead around 2006. I was working at Waddy and couldn’t make it. Six years ago I read RHJ at Poetry Jam. My publisher Sheila Wakefield saw Reed at the City Hall when he was the rock and roll animal… Initially I regretted the extra layer worn for the ride in today – heating up on the hill climb out of the Grove, but later during the big descent on the cycle path past Stanley I was glad of it. The sky was clear, the sun was shining. I switched up onto the big dinner plate (chain ring) to power down for a while but eased off when the knees started to say No. Still shaved a good 12-14 minutes off the journey, hardly even damp. Steve L arrived the same time as me. He told me we’ve lost another actor. Becs isn’t in tonight. I don’t know if it’s permanent or just one-off illness. I am feeling pretty good today. The bike clothes are bagged and hanging from the handlebars for tonight. I brought my big thermal gloves and I’ll wear extra layers so I don’t die going up to Stanley. It’s really quiet here at present. Out in the corridor. It’s good to be in Beamish and have time to get settled. Steve and Jemma asked about the scribbles. Steve calls me Anne Frank. Jemma says she once kept a diary but someone read it and it put her off. I wouldn’t put anything in mine I don’t want people to see. Might write more a bit later. 4.05 pm.

Monday 28th October 2019

Yep, it’s sunny and blue skies and really fucking cold. Hat on and four layers of clothing up top all day. Fleece-lined combats, joggers, three pairs of socks. At one point today, I considered gloves to trap in more heat. These last few Monday’s I’ve been hammered following three nights of Terror. It’s not the acting bit – it’s the length of the day gearing up for it and getting home afterwards. Twelve hours really, with all the bag prep. So, thirty-six hours over the weekend. And I’m done in. I doubt I’ll get any likes for ‘Steve Achieves’ tonight. I just wrote a little piece about re-reading “Confessions of a Pretty Lady” by Sandra Bernhard. It looks shorter than it is, with all the small sections and a fair bit of white space dividing them. But the 133 pages still took three and a half hours to get through. I’m not looking forward to removing layers of clothing tonight. It’ll just be the fleece-lined combats; everything else stays on. 11.40 pm.

Tuesday 29th October 2019

Thought I’d be fit to work today but after a morning in town and bus back home I still feel hammered. At least I got the writing half marathon prepared for next Tuesday. Good to see a favourable video review of Terror in the Trees. They said we were good actors. Had a bit of online chat with Jenni this evening and all day breakfast for late tea. Had a look through some dvds on the bookshelf that I’d forgotten about. I’d like to watch Sandra Bernhard’s “I’m Still Here, Dammit!” And Stephen King’s “Salem’s Lot” – the one with David Soul in it. I’m up for reading “Add Toner” by Cometbus and “Harmonica” by Geoff Hattersley. I read ‘Paperweight’, a short story from a collection called “Knives” by Bishop Auckland –based Wendy Robertson. I attended some good workshops ran by her a number of years ago. Good to see excerpts from The Damned at last night’s London Palladium show on YouTube. Tonight I fell asleep on the couch. 10.23 pm.

Wednesday 30th October 2019

Nice to be in a warm building. Ride to Beamish was fine, if a little windy towards the end. A threat of rain, but it held off. Yeah, nice to be in a warm building. I got here at 3.15 pm. No sweat. Literally. So I’m still in the same trousers, smalls and socks. I got half the Halloween treats here in my tote bag on the handlebars. Stashed stuff in my wheelie case. I’ll bring the rest tomorrow. Chatted with Jemma about bikes, books, the video review from last weekend, violent punters and how mentally knackering doing four nights back to back will be. Most performers do an hour and a half to two hours. The Terror guys do up to four hours and often on a wet set. Tonight is the first mid-week show. Ex-Waddy staff member Anna said she is coming. I hope she gets here mid-evening, after I’ve fully warmed up. I don’t want any fucking props failure this week. Probably best to replace torch batteries. Simon is here with a fake mechanical arm very much like the one that came with the Maskatron doll styled on the Fembots from the Six Million Dollar Man series. Simon doesn’t know who Maskatron is. Simon is off now for a big sandwich in The Stables. Haven’t seen Steve L yet but I can hear him talking to Lisa. I am very early. Don’t need makeup for another twenty-five minutes. Becs is back. Don’t think Rob and Steven will be here till five after a day shift. I am lucky. I will do writing workshops and book editing till the end of November. 4.05 pm.

Thursday 31st October 2019

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I had the best ride home last night. We finished really late coz the Geordie Shore cast was here with their film crew and didn’t arrive on set till half-ten. They only filmed three or four sections. Mine wasn’t included so I went down to The Maze near the end of the trail. Fuck, it’s difficult to get about in there – which I suppose is the point. Jonny and Laura were helpful though. And we were soon joined by Rob, Steven and Simon. The Geordie Shore crew only stayed in there a few minutes. I scared the blonde one. We all had to sign permission forms in the event of our images appearing in an upcoming episode. I never talked to any of the cast. Matt, the tech guy from my section in the cabin isn’t very fond of the TV show. Steven says they were really nice. I got back to the cabin at half-eleven. Then there was a photoshoot in the Hillbillies area. Steve L the zombie Beckett head-bagger warmed his hands on the dying embers of a fire. I saw the group photo this morning and it’s pretty good… Simon is here. He says the assortments of sweets I put in the dressing rooms today look like little shrines. I left a jar of Quality Street in the cabin then dried my big bear paws on the heater. My t-shirt and polo shirt are sweated out and the hairdryer is broken. Think it gave up the ghost yesterday during the repair of a latex mask. Simon has gone off to try out his stilts in the car park. No sign of Jemma or Steve yet. But last night was a late one – we didn’t leave the dressing room till after twelve. Steve offered me a lift which I declined. That would have made it even later for him. Hey up, I hear voices… 3.20 pm.

Friday 1st November 2019

Lazy morning watching Factotum starring Matt Dillon as Henry Chinaski (aka Charles Bukowski). Had an all-day breakfast for dinner. Got my stuff together and was out just after two this afternoon. A bit grim and damp but not raining. Ride along cycle path after Leadgate was actually quite exhilarating. All foggy and eerie. Fleece was damp upon arrival and a bit of mud on me but otherwise, clothes should be okay to wear again tonight for the ride home. Helped Steve L move some gear for his Bonfire Night show. Had a chat with manager Amy, then ate a cheese and tomato sandwich. The dressing room is nice and warm coz the heater is on, drying my fleece. My legs are fucked. Hopefully I’ll make it through tomorrow and over to Jen’s place. Simon is here with his lavender moisturiser. He likes the mint cream chocolates and witches’ fingers. 4.35 pm.

Saturday 2nd November 2019

Last one. My knees and thighs are aching big style after getting soaked riding home after midnight but I enjoyed the Halloween party in the winter gardens function room. Had a bit of a dance to music I’d not admit to previously being aware of in my real life... Got to Beamish about quarter-past three today. Little sweat. Thankfully it didn’t rain this afternoon. Fingers crossed for tonight. We are onset at quarter to six. Geordie Shore team (minus cast) is returning to film bits of the trail and some more bits with Terror actors. Doubt I’ll be needed; they didn’t film in the cabin last time. Maybe I’ll go back to The Maze. Laura got here just after me. She says she’s felt a bit emotional with it being the end of the run. I’ll probably be a bit flat over the next couple of days. I am looking forward to some time at Jen’s place. And it will be good to see Stephen on Wednesday evening for the Swans documentary at the Tyneside Cinema... I think tonight is an early finish for us. Last group through at 9.15 pm. Then farewell drinks. And a bike ride to Gateshead. 4.04 pm.

Sunday 3rd November 2019

We did finish around quarter-past nine last night. The groups were pretty good. No arseholes. I had another new tech person. I didn’t get his name but like Matt’s first replacement (Lisa, last night), he lulled punters into a false sense of security with a soft voice welcome: “Come in, nothing to worry about, just going to show you a short video then you’ll be out and on your way round the course.” Only a few people weren’t taken in: “Nahh, mate, someone’s gonna jump out behind us, aren’t they?” Some people didn’t even make it to the end of my introduction. One girl bolted for the door. And a middle-aged couple just said, “Sorry, but this is really, really freaking us out. Can you just stop? We really need to leave.” – That was before I even I shone the torch never mind saying anything. Amazing what personal traumas the public must bring to a horror show. Some people nervously laugh. The outdoor operations crew said I got some really good screams. The night before someone told Lisa: “That guy in there is a really good actor.”… We were pretty done in last night. Even in the dressing room beforehand it was a more subdued atmosphere. It took me longer to get changed last night. Ages to remove makeup. I sat outside the stables bar under the big parasol with Simon, Jemma, Chloe, Guy, Eloise, Laura, Graham, Greg and Steve L. The others left early. Simon and Steve both offered me a lift. Despite the rain, I really wanted to ride the bike. I stayed on the granny ring for much of the journey up to Gateshead and found it much easier than the hill to Stanley had been when riding to Consett. I got to Jen’s just after midnight. We chatted for an hour then had a big sleep.

Today I went for food supplies. We had curry and doughnuts. This afternoon I fell asleep during X-Factor. But soon woke up and saw a few episodes of Horrible Histories. I didn’t know Parisians used to just piss in the corners of palaces. Places must have fucking stank. This afternoon Jen got the offer of an evening’s bar work at the Tyne Theatre so I walked into town with her. Surprisingly mild night. I had a wander through the city. Stopped to look in Fenwick’s window. This year the display is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I saw a girl on a longboard outside Tesco on Percy Street. I walked down to the Tyneside Cinema and bought a ticket for Wednesday’s screening of the Swans documentary: “Where Does a Body End?” I’ve been looking forward to seeing it since the first crowd-funder posts came up online. It will be good to meet up with Stephen and see the film then hear the director’s Q & A. Tonight I’m a little wrecked. I have a cup of hot chocolate and an internet connection. I won’t be in a ringmaster’s costume. Or on a mountain bike. 8.15 pm.