Canny Life

Dare you go down to Beamish woods this October? If so, you're sure to get the fright of your life... But I’m not a liberty to say exactly how or why until November - it’s in my contract.

Monday 1st October 2018

Why are Mondays such a chore? AVG informed me via email that I need to reactivate my online security package but wouldn’t recognize my email address when I tried to do so. Had a bit of panic coz current subscription runs out in less than a fortnight and they’ve already taken a follow-up payment. After numerous googles and forum scrolls, an online staffer sorted it for me. Why can’t they just update the bastard themselves when they dip into my bank balance? Spent a while on lesson plans but no need really; I’ve done enough over the last fifteen years. Around teatime I switched to the MY DARK MATTER pamphlet. I reckon it’s going to be 400gsm black card cover, Canson burgundy or red endpaper, 140 gsm cartridge paper pages. Hand-inked silver lettering on the cover. Would be good to have a sigil as well, not sure yet. It’s seven prose poems/vignettes previously available as a double-header with Catherine Ayres’ poems. My solo version should be out before Halloween in a limited deluxe edition of 31 copies. If there’s further demand I might do a standard issue next year. 10.02 pm.

Tuesday 2nd October 2018

Good day at Waddy. Made staff squirm with my slug in the kettle story. Picture inserts for the Anomalies books came out fine. Got a prototype MY DARK MATTER printed on lush 140gsm cartridge paper. Bought nine sketchbooks and trimmed paper – only to find in my haste that its not the same stock as the identically covered and labelled book I used for my test print. So now I have 180 pieces of paper that cost me nine quid that I need to replace and can’t return. I should’ve checked, but as it’s the same brand of sketchbook I’ve been pulling cartridge paper from for years, you’d think it would be the same stuff inside each time. Bastard! Big thanks to Lorraine Weightman for suggesting to Consett Library that I run writing sessions there. Spoke to staff this afternoon and should be starting after Beamish project. Got my lesson/workshop handouts sorted for tomorrow. House is still a tip. 11.05 pm.

Wednesday 3rd October 2018

Long day. Awake at six. Morning pages. Prepped for the day. Went to Details in Newcastle to buy more paper for MY DARK MATTER. I’ll be cutting from more sketchbooks. But proper 140gsm this time. Hopefully pages printed next week. Still undecided on binding – stapled or hand-sewn. Thread/staples visible down spine or an extra layer of card pasted over inner sheet? Session at Jarrow was well attended. Pleased to be back. Good little group there. Pleased to get a lift off co-ordinator Lisa back to Chester le Street, then bus into Durham. Bought more cardstock and gel pens at Rymans and Paperchase then into Waddy for tomato soup before evening session. Mainly did poetry exercises. Some phenomenal pieces from the group. Had a few sniffles on the bus home. Too tired for late night shopping. Need to be off to bed so I can get a good start for National Poetry Day tomorrow. Haven’t sorted poems yet. Really, really knackered. 10.34 pm.

Thursday 4th October 2018

HAPPY NATIONAL POETRY DAY! Up early to get packed for trip to Newcastle to do Nexus Metro Takeover. Stopped off at Jen’s place on the way to pick up the amplifier then headed into town. Nipped into Details for pamphlet back-up paper and colour samples. The rate I’m going I’ll be lucky to break even on sales. Met up with Kirsten Luckins and Sky Hawkins at quarter to one then descended into Monument Metro station to hook up with the other writing groups. Nexus staff and a photographer were there, reps from Poetry Book Society, Apples and Snakes, New Writing North Young Writers, Newcastle Centre for the Literary Arts / Northumbria Uni, The Writing Squad – Durham Poetry Slam team. We performed at three metro stations each. Me, Sky, Don Jenkins, Kirsten and Ellen Moran. Ellen is an ace performance poet. Knocked off at half five after delivering poems to the public for the afternoon. Some mint responses. Then X21 bus back to Durham for Poetry Jam. Great turnout. Full house really. Ace sets from Steve May, Julie Egdell and Harry Gallagher. Top open floor. 11.29 pm.

Friday 5th October 2018

Arrived at Beamish for Terror in the Trees an hour early but Thom Williams was there before me. Ride over was canny. Got a place out back under the stairs to store my bike. Hardly even wet. Only needed a brief dry-off with the t-shirt then deodorant. Hung out in reception for half an hour until the actors arrived. We got our costumes. Around four o’clock we went for a briefing by the Cabin at the start of the woodland trail. Info overload a bit daunting. We all have radios for updates and instructions. Dressing room is half the size of my bedroom, about seven or eight blokes sharing. Next week I’ll arrive at least an hour early for makeup. Tonight was a trial run. Eight groups of people came through. We had feedback half-way and more at the end of the night. Finished about quarter to ten. But I waited a while to get changed coz the place was packed out and my stuff was right in the corner farthest from the door. Other people are now in the bar. They’ll probably be gone by the time I get sorted. The makeup came off easy enough. My boots are caked with mud. Will have to take them off at my front door. Anyway, good first day. Managed to scare the shit out of various people in each of the groups. Ok. 10.36 pm.

Saturday 6th October 2018

Didn’t get to bed till half one this morning. So I stayed there till ten. Caught up on Poetry Jam and National Poetry Day messages then edited some photographs. Tried out some new inserts for the MY DARK MATTER publication and played loads of Dresden Dolls on Spotify. I would love to see them play at the end of the month but I’m working. Had a good fast bike ride to Jen’s via the Derwent Walk then watched a bit of telly. Jenni likes the design for My Dark Matter. I’ll sort printing next week. Have been a bit hammered most of today. Put in some twelve-hour shifts this week, so back to bed early this evening. 10.48 pm.

Sunday 7th October 2018

Long lie in. Walked to Tesco, bought cherry pie and custard, steak pie and beans. Got some horror makeup at Poundland to practise for Terror in the Trees. Watched a couple of episodes of Columbo with Jenni and ordered two new Julia Eff perzines via Store Envy. Me and Jenni watched the new Doctor Who, then I had a two hour ride back via Sunniside in hellish wind. 11.40pm.

Monday 8th October 2018

Almost forgot to do the journal coz I’m in bed early. Need to be asleep so I can be up at half-five tomorrow to print pamphlets at Waddington Street Centre. Spent much of today testing out binding methods. The pages, hand cut from A4 sketchbooks and printed at Waddy, will be hand-sewn into black card with a Canson burgundy endpaper. Then the printed outer card will be glued in place to create a super sturdy 420gsm cover. The process will be a bit tricky but worth it. Looks good with the double-ply cover concealing the outer stitching. It’s only a reprint of a previous selection but it looks the business. I need to get my shit together for the coming week. Have managed to keep coldsores at bay. Got lesson plans for tomorrow and Wednesday sorted. Looking forward to having new books out. Will do lavish pamphlets and cheap journal books next year. Chuffed to get the Canson paper for My Dark Matter ordered from Jackson Arts of London today. 10.56 pm.

Tuesday 9th October 2018

Up just after five for morning pages. Bag packed and out on 20 to seven bus. Did tomorrow evening’s prep on the way to Durham. Got pages printed at Waddy. Made up a copy of the pamphlet which looks ace. Publication date on hold until endpaper stock arrives. Was pretty knackered by midday. Had steak pie and beans before characterisation workshop this afternoon. Fell asleep on bus home. My book-binding tin fell open and a few things spilt out. Home by 20 to five. Tidied kitchen, had veggie burger and potato wedges, slept on the couch awhile then read Katie Jane Garside interview and looked at my recent monographs and pamphlets. I’ve put out a self-made volume of some sort every year since 2013. Intend to keep doing so for as many years as possible. Changed some light bulbs and copied up work-log stuff. Ready for bed now. Two workshops tomorrow. 10.57 pm.

Wednesday 10th October 2018

Got some washing done before leaving for the Jarrow workshop this morning. Made notes in Newcastle for evening session. Really warm. Sat outside Jarrow shopping precinct eating my cheese sandwiches and listened to an eighties covers album blasting out some shop stereo. A black bird with gold and green patterning in its wings stood next to me during a version of Cyndi Lauper’s ‘True Colours’. I saw a couple carrying two large carrier bags of toys, people pushing mountain bikes… Afternoon at Big Local was fun. More short exercises to get people going. I talked to Lisa in the car to Chester le Street about cycling and running. Had a chicken salad and set up for the evening workshop at Waddy. Full attendance of seven. We used everyday observations, things we wouldn’t do, inner critic rants, characters from the ground up and simple plot ideas. I checked out a reissue of Stephen King’s ‘The Shining’ and Graham Norton’s novel ‘A Keeper’ in Consett Tesco afterwards. Still very warm. A neighbour has my Canson paper. 11.42pm.

Thursday 11th October 2018

More hassles with AVG online security this morning but support team sorted it. I don’t seem to be getting much done on my days at home. Put two mini-sets together for Claire Patel-Campbell’s ‘Abernathy’ book launch tonight and wrote an email to Sarah Hammersley. Checked out paper stock for My Dark Matter. It’s going to be a belter. David ‘Gus’ Gunnion gave me a lift to Consett this afternoon. Good to chat about music – mainly punk bands. Had a bit of a migraine so slept on the bus all the way to Newcastle. Bought more black card. Had my cheese and tomato sandwich and headed for Lit and Phil. Good to be at Claire’s launch. Enjoyed doing intimate sets. Rose Drew and Alan Gillot are great hosts. Was good to hear novel extracts and get a copy of Abernathy. Me and Jen went to The Centurian pub till bus time. I read a bit of Claire’s book on the bus then walked from Consett. My left eye vision is shimmering again. Hope I get some work done before leaving for Terror in the Trees tomorrow. OK. 11.33 pm.

Friday 12th October 2018

This morning was a pain. Problems with online software for health and safety courses which I’m required to complete asap. My computer isn’t compatible with the system and neither am I. The only Talking Pen work I got done today was cutting ten sheets of Canson endpaper. I will need to work smarter over the next few days. Will probably do College paperwork for a while. Won’t get much done tomorrow… Great Terror in the Trees tonight. Despite the wet. Steve and Jemma Lucock are mint at applying horror makeup and I was real chuffed to be a recipient of some of their creations. Early arrival at the dressing room now a must. Was good to see lovely people turning into the Undead. Felt much more in character with the new look. Still having trouble with radio but my work zone is pretty easy to manage. Scared a fair few people really shitless. Face-wear stayed in place. Big thanks to Sarah Bond as well for help with the radio. And Steven Richardson for emergency repair mini bottle of latex. The rain really started to hammer down just before nine o’clock. Too wet to grab a food break. But we knocked off at ten anyway. I’m keeping sandwiches, crisps, oranges and squash in my feeding box. Costume is fucking soaking. Hopefully dried by tomorrow. I was lucky, I had a little bit of shelter. But unfortunately, if it’s still raining now I’ll get wet on the bike. My pen is covered in blood and gunk. I got most of the latex off my head. Now the ride home. 10.53 pm.

Saturday 13th October 2018

Really hot in bed last night. Sweaty. Only seven and a half hours sleep. Did morning pages then laundry and repacking of the bag for Terror in the Trees. Took me till about one o’clock to sort my gear, charge batteries for bike lights and get fed. No Talking Pen work. Looked set to be a horrendous day, but weather eased to make for a glorious ride down to Beamish. Got there early enough to have a bath! Steve and Jemma helped with makeup again. A few people said they were feeling tired tonight; pleased I’m not the only one… Some good punters came through tonight. Scared the shit out of loads of people. A few were a bit nonplussed but most seemed to enjoy it or were really frightened, particularly the early evening groups. Things are getting a bit slippery out in the woods now. I’ve put a few log slices in my area coz the floor is really gloopy. Tried a quiet technique tonight. Less vocals, more intimate surprise and scares at the end of the section. I’ve been moving up the trail into fellow zombie Sarah’s stretch of the woods; she says my getting loud screams from girls is a helpful signal to ready herself. Again, people commenting on the scary makeup. It takes a while to get it off. I’m last at the bathroom sink…

   ‘Black Betty’ has just been on the hotel sound system next door. We scared some wedding guests in the corridor earlier this evening. Now it’s 'Don’t Stop Believing'. Fucking love this song. First heard it in a film called Blue Car… Close to midnight. Will push off soon. 11.52 pm.

Sunday 14th October 2018

Woke at ten. Felt okay but by dinner time I was knackered with a headache and a bit of a panic over how I’m going to fit everything into the week. Did some social media stuff and keyed in a few pages of notes, but not much. Had a nice sausage and veg dinner then a chocolate muffin. Slow ride down to Beamish. Bastard squeak on the bike that started last night is still there and annoying. I can hear it when freewheeling, so not the crank set – must be disc brakes. Front or rear, I’m not sure. But I got to hotel okay. Steve and Jemma already here. I got washed in toilets near reception. Relaxed a while. Listened to Steve and Simon talking about working with Ken Dodd. Didn’t start makeup till half four. Had tea, got my jaw fixed. Chatted with the actors. Great night. Felt much more energised than last night. Nearly put my eye out on a fence post for real, but am okay. Joints are still sore and I’m not looking forward to the ride home, but hey-ho, it’s a canny life. 11.45 pm.