BIKE ZOMBIE

Monday 15th October 2018

Mega-stress – admin hassles and college website access issues. Half a day getting some online training done; and there’s more to come. Didn’t think I’d get lesson plans sorted. If I’d failed to do so I wouldn’t be able to go to Babble Gum tomorrow evening. Was hoping to have copies of My Dark Matter ready but it will be another week at least. As long as someone owns a copy before the end of Halloween I’ll be pleased. My back is sore, all my joints ache and my right ankle is in an uproar. Cold house probably doesn’t help. A few of the Beamish zombies have lost their voices; dazed and struggling with day jobs. I was lucky, I just cursed the computer. Listened to Bad Pollyanna this evening; would be good to be in bed before midnight. I won’t be on the bike until Friday. Hope I’m a bit fitter by then. 10.50 pm.

Tuesday 16th October 2018

Had a brilliant mid-term recap session at Waddy. Great poems from the group. Everyone read something and got learning outcomes on their sheets. My ankle is a little better due to wearing doc martens laced all the way up. Bought some ankle supports for the weekend. Got a bottle of liquid latex. Read student poems on the bus. Printed out some burgundy text ‘My Dark Matter’ covers but they look no different to the red. So I’ll be making up covers with the original red print. A shop assistant in Boyes helped me choose embroidery thread. Books easy to re-lace. Babble Gum was mint tonight. Great to hear Kate Garratt and Mica; and dark electro music from Sapien Trace. Some canny comedy as well. Open mic from Steve and Pauline May, me, Charley Reay, Rosie McCrum and a few others. Thanks to Marie Lightman for hosting. And Luke Bevan for a lift back to Bensham. Staying at Jen’s tonight to get a head start on the ride to Jarrow for the workshop tomorrow. Taggart is on TV. I’ve had my porridge. Soon to bed. 10.50 pm.

Wednesday 17th October 2018

Lie in. Then walk to Gateshead for admin at Tesco coz WiFi at Jen’s not working. Checked out Kerrang! and Metal Hammer in the magazine section. Metro to Jarrow for Big Local Hub. Good characterisation workshop. Lisa gave me a lift to Chester le Street. Chatted with Barbara on bus to Durham. Prepped evening class then ate beef Rogan josh. Checked Brexit updates online and did evening session. More on characters. Did shopping at Tesco. Got bottles of Johnsons baby oil for make-up removal at Beamish this weekend. And annoyingly more stuff that I already had enough of coz I’m so absent-minded. Would have been better to buy in Gateshead for the weekend. Will only see Jenni for a few hours each day. At least she’ll be able to get some of her Edinburgh show research done. Tonight I gorged on a chocolate muffin, kettle chips and a cheese and tomato sandwich. OK. 11.40 pm.

Thursday 18th October 2018

Today was mint. Chuffed to get all the Canson endpapers cut. All the pages and inner cards were folded for My Dark Matter while the sun shone onto the drop-leaf table, so I could take pix and make little vids. Awesome to sit on a crisp October afternoon listening to my favourite album by The Mission (Aura) and Opheliac by Emile Autumn whilst making up the pages on the eve of another 3-night stand at Beamish, doing zombie scares for Terror in the Trees – getting paid to revel in Halloween. Chuffed to get November Poetry Jam event page sorted. Listened to Cyndi Lauper and Bad Pollyanna. Mint to get new zines with handwritten letter from Julia Eff. Pleased with online response to MDM pix. 11.03 pm.

Friday 19th October 2018

I don’t know who just got married but Slayer is on the sound system at the reception party. Unless of course it’s an early Halloween bash. My foot isn’t so bad tonight. I altered my approach to the scares. I don’t crouch down in the pit anymore. Just lean over the black polythene shelter a bit. I won’t get back to Jen’s place till about half-one in the morning. She has a gig in town, hosting a 1920’s style speakeasy; I may be home before her. I got help from Steven Richardson with fake gore tonight as Steve and Jemma Lucock were running a bit late. Sarah Bond and I are both a bit knackered. How people do a day job before these scare shows is beyond me. Our feeding box is almost overflowing with food. I brought sandwiches to last three days. I brought clothes for three days. I will take some stuff back to Jen’s tonight and more tomorrow. I started throwing a fake severed hand at punters on the trail tonight. Some of the groups were massive, some just two people. I got some great scares in. One of the girls said she physically wet herself. Two boys got freaked at my proximity, could feel my breath on them. Good! I am knackered. Can’t wait to get to bed. 11.55 pm.

Saturday 20th October 2018

Got home before one this morning. Only five minutes after Jenni. We chatted about our evenings – her hosting of the speakeasy and my scaring punters till half ten. Slept for about seven and a half hours. My back is knacking, but ankle surprisingly okay. We went to Gateshead for food supplies then had soup. Watched X-Factor and Soapbox Challenge then I got sorted to leave again for Beamish. Thought I’d lost my contact lenses; searched my bags then realised I probably left them in the venue. Bike ride over was a bit sketchy. Cars forcing me into the kerb. But only 45 minutes. Feel much better than yesterday. Have been washed, got my headpiece on and had my tea. It’s just gone five o’clock. Steven, Jemma, Steve, Thom, Simon and Mark are here. I’m getting into costume soon, so I can get my mouthpiece sorted. OK. 5.04 pm.

Later: Full capacity 625 punters tonight. Some drunk, some really cool. A girl kicked me in the chest. I temporarily lost a radio. And I scared the shit out of loads of people. The fake jaw stayed in place, but to the detriment of my breathing. We didn’t finish till about eleven. It’s going to be at least twelve before I get the blood and gunk off my head. Totally knackered. 11.39 pm.

Sunday 21st October 2018

Good long lie in at Jen’s place this morning. Back aching big style. Knees as well. Ankle okay, but otherwise really feeling wrecked. Sat on the futon scrolling Facebook till dinnertime. 700,000 on the Brexit march in London yesterday. Read a few reports on it. Really sleepy this afternoon. Got ready for the ride while The Damned and Canned Heat played on Sounds of the Seventies. Mandolin Wind by Rod Stewart as well. Jenni is going into town with Ian Waugh and friends. My ride to Beamish was okay. Climbing Lobley Hill was a bastard though – cars way too close. Pleased to arrive early and get sorted. 6.07 pm.

LATER: not as full as last night. Lost a lens. Fell over a few times, felt the scares weren’t consistent. Hopefully better next weekend. Cut my leg, tweaked my ankle again, but got cleaned up much quicker tonight. Hopefully home by one. 11.22 pm.

Monday 22nd October 2018

Got in off the bike at one o’clock, washed and changed then just stayed in clothes and climbed into bed. Slept till ten o’clock. The lesson plans are just repeats this week. I said I wanted a year off from all the usual admin routine, just to spend time on my own stuff; and by cutting back on the travel, the music gigs and books I never get round to reading, I reckon I’ll manage okay. But money is tight and I’ll need to hit hard next year to keep things going. I sewed up all the My Dark Matter pamphlets this afternoon. Just need to get more glue sticks and get cracking with the outer covers on Thursday. Tomorrow I’ll do my Waddy session then prep for Wednesday evening. House is fucking freezing. If the wind keeps up, riding back and forth on the bike is going to be dangerous. Still intend to stick to the bike for Terror in the Trees. How much colder in just one week? I’ve seen snow on 1st November before. Halloween could be hellish. OK 10.56 pm.

Tuesday 23rd October 2018

Workshop went well this afternoon. Triolets, apology letters and read backs of monologues. On the bus from Consett to Moorside, Margaret Davis, who lives a few streets away, asked abut my biking. Still aiming to ride all the Beamish nights, so fingers crossed the wind dies down this weekend. Made up ten copies of My Dark Matter this evening. Will do the rest before Friday and get a post on Facebook. They are looking really good. It’s always satisfying to have a batch of your own book that you handmade. Almost sorry when copies sell out. Well, I was with So Much for the Sunshine six years ago. For supper I ate some of the Edam that I found in Tesco’s car park a few weeks ago. It was fully sealed and I thought, fuck it. Funny thing though, it was Morrison’s cheese, not Tesco. It tastes fine and will go in my sandwiches for Jarrow. 11.36 pm.

Wednesday 24th October 2018

Wanted to chip away at pamphlet-making but overslept, so could only prepare the workshops and leave for Newcastle. I read some horror flash fiction on the bus then did book research for a workshop exercise. The Jarrow group found a couple of exercises challenging this afternoon, particularly Triolets. Evening class went okay. We ended with a viewing of Scott and Kirsten ahead of their Poetry Jam appearances next week. Mixed responses and questions. What is allowed to pass as poetry? This gives me a few ideas for discussion and analysis in the session after Halloween break. On the bus I read Burning Eye poets. In Tesco I checked out Vive le Rock magazine and listened to eighties hits as I filled my trolley. Back home I caught up on messaging then ate my weight in cake and chocolate. Tomorrow is another day of bookmaking. No rest for the non-compliant. 11.47 pm.

Thursday 25th October 2018

Whole day spent on My Dark Matter. Glued on the outer covers from ten o’clock this morning. Finished about two then switched to pasting down the edges and pressing them under weights and in the book press. Took about five hours to trim individually, replace mistakes, do photos and number the stock. I put a little post on Facebook about ten past ten and have a couple of orders already. Pleased to get this project done. Very laborious. The front cover doesn’t photograph well. Some of the videos were lousy. But I’ve got a big batch of production stills and will get better pix in daylight tomorrow. Soundtrack for today was Aura by The Mission, 21 by Adele, Greatest Hits by HIM, Opheliac by Emile Autumn and With Teeth by Nine Inch Nails. Uploading more pix now. 11.43 pm.

Friday 26th October 2018

More interest in My Dark Matter today. Sold three copies and more people wanting it next week. Good to send some through the post. Some people have asked for specific numbers. Simon Green got number two, Helen Steadman reserved number thirteen. Jenni’s lucky number is 26. I’m keeping one and thirty-one. I’ll send out more copies on Monday. I seem to have a bad case of haemorrhoids. Just not what you need when you have two and a half hours of biking each day for the next six days. Ride to Beamish was good; a few spots of rain and very cold but easy on the legs. I got here a bit later than previous days coz I only remembered to shave as I was about to leave the house. Make-up went on okay tonight. We started on set at five to seven and finish at eleven. Lots of big groups (fifteen people average) all night. Loads of mint scares. One girl sang one-two, Freddy’s coming for you; three-four, better lock your door. I jumped out with ‘FIVE, SIX, HE’S GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF! Pity I couldn’t think of a rhyme at the time. Terrified as many blokes as women tonight. No accidents. No assaults. Ankle okay. Lenses stayed in. As usual afterwards everyone else seems to be ready and away much quicker than me. Oh well… 11.53 pm.

Saturday 27th October 2018

Jesus, fuck’s sake! Some slow peeps in the woods tonight. Thought it was just me being miserable, but everyone else said the same. Some great groups but some dithering about, hard to get good scares. Hail, sleet, rain and clear skies. Had some good groups but pretty poor in comparison to last night… Snow in Consett today. None at Beamish this afternoon. Me and Jenni went to a Gateshead Arts and Crafts exhibition in the church where Alan and Carol run Cotfield Mirrors. Some wooden Goth pendants I quite liked. Beans and steak pie for dinner. Sandwiches for tea… Make-up took fucking ages to get off. It’ll be after midnight when I leave; still got clothes to sort before the big ride back to Gateshead. Clocks go back an hour, so at least we get longer sleeps. 11.55 pm.

Sunday 28th October 2018

Good lie in but limbs are aching. Spine feels ready to pack in. Need to be careful with the biking. Me and Jenni had a bit of lazy time. Tesco for supplies. Watched Diagnosis Murder, sorted stuff for Terror in the Trees. Massive thanks to Jenni for all the laundry she’s done. I have enough stuff to see me through rest of the run. A woman pissed herself in my zone tonight. We had some ace groups and some that were a bit poor. Always a joy to scare the shit out of a good group. Got sorted quite quickly today. Rainy at start of the night but luckily it eased off. Now the ride back to Moorside. OK. 11.52 pm.

Monday 29th October 2018

Got soaked in the small hours riding back from Beamish. Freezing cold sleet. Didn’t get home till two. Bed by three. Awake again by nine. Morning pages all about the ride home then up for porridge and email checks. Packed some My Dark Matter orders for the post office then got ready for Terror in the Trees. Spent ages drying gloves and clothes from last ride, using hot water bottles and hairdryer. Ride this afternoon was sheer hell. Black ice on the cycle path, hands really fucking numb. So cold almost passing out when I came into the heat of the hotel. Stomach churning sick. Took about ten minutes to come round after lying in the hotel corridor in sheer fucking agony… Finally felt okay around five o’clock and got ready for work. Latex mouthpiece didn’t attach so well today. Fell off at nine o’clock. The feeding mound was slick with ice and out of commission. But we had some mint groups in. I put fake blood on my face to compensate for no mask. Wish I’d never done that. Make-up hard enough to remove at the best of times, but now my face sports a pink-red stain and I can’t shift it. Only another two days left. Hope snow holds off tonight. And rain. Have double gloves, will ride. OK. 11.55 pm.

Tuesday 30th October 2018

Frustrating start to the day. All my rechargeable batteries seem to be burning out after a few seconds in the camera. I wanted to do a full video of the Terror in the Trees site but only got a fraction of it. I’ll have to buy more batteries before tomorrow night; I want pix of cast and crew… To help with backlogs of punters in the compound, maze and end run I was changing tack a bit and hitting the feeding mound earlier and staying in people’s faces more to slow them down. Took a few goes to warm me up, but really scared the shit out of people. Miriam is working part two of the feeding zone now that Sarah has left for Disneyland. Miriam is good at slowing down groups. No problems with facemask tonight; I didn’t have to growl too much. I’m slower clearing up than usual. I want to be home before two o’clock and in bed by three. If I could access twenty-four hour Tesco I’d buy batteries on the way home, but would need staff to watch my bike. Really knackered due to longer encounters with punters: one girl seriously threatened to punch me; I thought another was going to have a panic attack – and some  unaffected groups pissed me right off. But still a good night. Last one tomorrow. 11.58 pm.

Wednesday 31st October 2018

Woke about eight even though I went to bed at three. Had to go into town for batteries. Got sweets and chocolates for the cast. Wrapped some books for Steve and Jemma Lucock, and a couple of copies for the crew HQ. Slow ride over to Beamish and a twenty minute video walk round the site. Second half of it nearly all black except the end, even in afternoon light. But I got some good bits and pieces. Got into make-up okay. Tonight it was quite light in the feeding zone. But the smoke machine drifting over from the hillbilly cabin made it look ace. My fake jaw came off again so I had to tape it on. Pleased it worked. Felt like I was channelling Slipknot, who deliberately made their facemasks uncomfortable to enhance aggressive performance. Lots of great scares: crawling around the ground, jumping the mound. After the last punters exited the run, we had drinks and cake in the crew cabin. Some folk are still dirty from the mud but most are getting cleaned up and heading down to the Halloween party in the hall. I’ll be ages, but will try to get a move on. 11.58 pm.

Thursday 1st November 2018

Standing on Waddington Street while Fergus pulls the car round under a perfectly clear night sky, I look at my watch and think: Fuck – this time last night I’d either be crouched behind a bush, leaping onto a dirt mound or snarling in some paying punters’ faces. Tonight at Poetry Jam a couple of times the words were hard to form and release from my mouth. All the guests were great. Pauline May with poems about school kids and the plethora of takeaways in Sunderland. Aidan Clarke with his multi-section autobiography of flashbacks and milestones interspersed with bounces of a tennis ball and sprays of ‘confidence juice’ to his face. And Kirsten Luckins reading brand new Dear Sophie prose poems that she intends to grow into a full-length collection. Some fab open mic from Steve May, Tom Moody, Jenni Pascoe, Juli Watson, Chris Short, Derek and others. I sold seven copies of MY DARK MATTER. Only eleven left. They will probably go at Consett Bowls Club and next month’s Jam. Good of Fergus to give me a ride home. OK. 11.48 pm.

Friday 2nd November 2018

Found it difficult to lie in this morning despite tiredness. Arranged a workshop in Hexham for mid December then did some ‘filing’ – which is another way of saying tidying up the aftermath of Terror in the Trees and pamphlet production. Spent much of the day doing that. Getting Poetry Jam pix online is becoming a chore I absolutely dread more and more each month as the desktop PC gets slower and slower. Facebook frequently jams the system; screens take ages and ages to change with every mouse click a major waiting game. I want a new computer as soon as possible. Probably a gaming computer that can cope with storing the entire universe. I am cold. Have almost as many clothes on as I wore on the bike for my night rides. Feet are numb. Was warmer in the woods this week. Posted some pix of myself as a zombie and got a lot of responses. Looking forward to a weekend off. Not so keen on having to ride the bike in November though. OK. 11.40 pm.

Saturday 3rd November 2018

Cold at home. Legs and arms still aching; dressing gown on much of the day. Slowed down by the machine – PC’s almost nine years old now, takes about three times longer than last year to upload pix. Started some text key-ins but mainly doing book admin. Good road ride to Gateshead; slow in the dark, but good to be back on the bike, well wrapped up. James Oates ordered a copy of My Dark Matter and Patrick Shannon invited me to perform at next Thursday’s King Ink. Watched X-Factor with Jenni, ate crisps and midget gems. 10.45 pm.

Sunday 4th November 2018

Long lie in at Jen’s place. Bowl of porridge and Coronation Street Omnibus. Then a mini hotpot for early lunch and a walk into Gateshead. Got tickets for Bohemian Rhapsody then checked out books, toys, music, films and computers in Tesco. Bo-Rap: great casting – although perhaps Roger Taylor actor not as strong as the other three; great song choices, strong focus on the actual band – only personal life explored was Freddie’s. Live Aid footage was brilliantly recreated. The early years were engaging; lots of humour and quite revealing with regards to internal conflicts of the band. Mint music. Mint Film. 9.40 pm.

Monday 5th November 2018

Hard ride home; muscles ache and spine is sore. Don’t know if I can do it much more. Autumn mush beneath my wheels: cold air on my chest. Fireworks and bonfires come later; right now I need a thermal vest. The sweat is cold and the road is long. Don’t have much but a pauper’s song, and it’s a hard ride home. I reach my door and gasp. Peel the fabric from my skin, shed the layers and wet the sponge. Scrape away, forget the gunk. I will saturate myself in songs tonight. I will find a way to feel alright. But the theory of my evolution is old hat. I don’t want to tread old ground, have spent too long on that. And it’s a hard ride home. The phone is cold. I see myself on screen in someone else’s dream. It’s suppertime again and the cupboard’s bare. Dark chocolate or porridge till pay day. The books have sold, the bills are old. And it’s a hard ride home. 10.53 pm.

Tuesday 6th November 2018

Good workshop. It was a repeat of my New College Durham evening class on settings and dialogue. Good to have mainly new people in at Waddy on Tuesday afternoons so I can get the extra mileage from old material. Good to write about Beamish Woods. Will continue with it tomorrow in the Jarrow workshop. I seem to devour A4 paper – loads of it for handouts, exercises and theory. Didn’t get home till 20 to six. Durham 16 bus takes over ninety minutes to reach Moorside. Had sausage and veg dinner then did eighty minutes of feedback for Terror in the Trees. Told them I have more stuff but not edited yet. Someone posted pix of new Rollins book ‘Before the Chop Vol IV’ online, but it’s already sold out on the US leg of the current slide show tour. Bugger! Hope it crops up on eBay soon. More prep this evening for tomorrow, but little of my own stuff. I’ll be pleased to get Friday to myself. OK Bed. 10.56 pm.

Wednesday 7th November 2018

First wet Jarrow day I’ve had since sessions began in October. Or was it September? We did settings and dialogue. About eight people in. I got the Metro back to Gateshead by four and made it to Waddy on the X12 Arriva bus by quarter past five. Beans and steak pie for tea. My second pie of the day. Two Snickers bars as well. Evening session was pretty heavy. We did a warm-up colours writing exercise then spent the rest of the two hours looking at performance poetry and page poetry. Essays by Ruth Padel on Jacob Polly and Julia Darling: analysis, dissection. How much of what is read into a poem was the intention of the author? How much was fluke? Good session. Mouthy kids on bus to Consett, but no trouble. I looked at books in Tesco. 95% of the top new titles were memoir and autobiography hardbacks. Stephen King has a novella out. He is a story machine. I got twenty quid’s worth of food and the last bus home. Pleased to be done. 11.23 pm.

Thursday 8th November 2018

Thanks to Peter at Waddy for printing out ‘Milking A Joe Brainard Riff’ monograph pages at short notice this afternoon. Fantastic KING INK gig at Pop Recs in Sunderland. Around twenty-four people there for the Mudfog Press Special. Engaging poetry sets from Lesley Mountain and Marilyn Longstaff plus three knock-out gritty short stories from Craig Campbell. Unfortunately, he left before the end of the event so I couldn’t get a signed copy of his chapbook. Good to hear new work from Chris Cunningham, Steve and Pauline May and a bunch of people I didn’t know. Particularly liked the printer poem by Hester Dowling and John Turner’s poems from memory about love and loss. I did a short set and returned to the floor for a final piece near the end of the evening. Thanks to organiser Patrick Shannon for inviting me along to be part of the event and buying my pamphlet. Now on the 78A pulling out of Park Lane Interchange. It will be after half eleven before I reach Consett Bus Station, then a half hour walk home. A long day for poetry. But worth it. 10.12 pm.

Friday 9th November 2018

Spent most of today sequencing and rehearsing my thirty-minute set for Consett Bowls Club Poetry Night taking place next Tuesday. Way too many poems to begin with. Took ages to sequence and whittle down. Still over thirty minutes, but only just. Richard Judd, the host, says that’s okay. Pleased to include work from eight publications, seven of which will be available on the night. The eighth is due next January. I watched a bike video from Chris Clark who makes a living touring his inspirational stunt show round schools and colleges in America. Also, some Chris Akrigg clips. My favourite of his is ‘Trial Trails’ with soundtrack from Reverend and the Makers (The End). Chris is such a fluid trials rider and seems to effortlessly glide through sections that most other top riders would have to stop-start and shunt a lot more to get through. Jenni was in touch to say she’s working this weekend. I’ll stay in cellar twelve making monographs. 11.39 pm.

Saturday 10th November 2018

Made up ten copies of my 2014 monograph ‘Milking A Joe Brainard Riff’ this afternoon. Still have the covers to letter by hand tomorrow. Also made a massive fold and stitch 188 page blank morning pages ‘chapbook’. A real bugger to trim. Commented on a ‘Poetry Career’ Facebook post. Ate fish fingers, eggy bread and beans, dark chocolate. Drank dandelion and burdock, listened to Bad Pollyanna and Marilyn Manson. Checked out rare Albert Huffstickler books online. 11.10 pm.

Sunday 11th November 2018

Late rise, observed two minutes silence then had porridge. Inked up the monographs from last night and had a sausage and veg dinner. Made up five copies of So Much for the Sunshine, which I’ll be reading a few pieces from at Consett Bowls Club on Tuesday. I listened to Emilie Autumn then Fish whilst working. They are both great wordsmiths. I get as much inspiration from song lyrics as I do from books. All work and no play, I don’t really have much to add. Tonight’s upload is my first blog post – if you can call diary entries a blog – for ages. A month’s worth of Planet Me. Thanks if you got this far. Oh, and who would have thought Marilyn Manson would write a song called The Gardener? Cheers! 8.30 pm.